This ASBO Swan has got the right idea.
I’ve never rowed, I’ve never coxed and I’ve only seen ‘Bumps’ once. Therefore I am qualified to have a moan about it.
Before coming to Cambridge, I had the preconception that rowing was elitist and a little bit pretentious. It was to my surprise that so many people sacrificed their mornings to go and have a paddle, and to their credit many novices do extremely well. But I’m still not convinced. The “let’s all have a go” charade doesn’t make it any less of a ridiculous sport.
They say anyone can row. This may be true in Cambridge, where second boats struggle for numbers almost as much as Ashley Cole struggles to come to terms with his sexuality, but elsewhere it’s not. A few other Universities do it, but generally it’s not a nationwide obsession.
Bollocks can anyone row. You hardly see under-sevens 5-a-side rowing teams getting up early on a Saturday morning to get to the river. It’s a sport that requires very expensive equipment, and thus requires its participants to have money. When was the last time you went to Sports World and bagged a MEGA DISCOUNT £4.99 rowing boat? Just like sailing and polo, it belongs to that elite league of sports that are understood and enjoyed by few, and ignored as pompous by others.
No wonder its one of the sports Britain can win at; if the Jamaicans could afford it they’d beat us at it too.
There don’t seem to be alot of tactics, either: “Why did you lose the race mate?” – “Because we weren’t as fast as the other boat”. Eight weeks of training for that! Unlike spectator sports there aren’t any play-making passes or game-saving tackles. Even in running races there’s a chance of dropping the baton or running out of lane. The worse thing for spectators is that, unless you get on your bike and join what basically looks like the tour-de-France for pricks with megaphones, you don’t even see the end result. You see one boat, then another, then another. You might see a “bump,” but the lack of spikes or circular saws at the front of the boat makes that about as eventful as Stephen Hawking’s childhood.
I gather there’s some sort of skill involved but it’s foreign to me. It appears rather like a night in Cindies. You dive in unaware, flail your arms a bit and avoid catching crabs or getting too wet.
Worsening the appeal is the inconsiderateness of its organisation. I’m not up at half 6, nor do I want to be. I’d rather not wear an outfit that’s a couple of scissor-cuts down from a morph suit. And if I did, I wouldn’t then change out of it into 14 items of stash with crazy nicknames of my entire crew on the back, just to prove we’re human after all. Plus, if I do attend a lecture at 9am, I don’t want to be joined by some pink, panting specimen who smells like they’ve just competed in to world’s biggest game of soggy biscuit.
Don’t get me wrong, I quite like rowers. When they’re on their own. Not surrounded by any other rowers. Or coaches. Or coxes. I even row on ergs myself, as I will admit it is very good for fitness. But rowing chat truly stinks; it’s a certain way to alienate non-boaties out of any conversation.
Perhaps my biggest complaint is about the ‘Bumps’ themselves. Every other college sport has the decency to be played at more-or-less the same day every week. It’s the consistency throughout term that keeps league results and Cuppers matches very interesting. Rowing, however, has the audacity to whack all its races into 5 consecutive days at the penultimate week of term.
They don’t give a shit about practicals, lectures or supervisions, because everything comes second to rowing. It doesn’t matter if you’ve got a dissertation due at the end of term, because now’s the time to spend 4 days in a limited space of water, chasing another boat, being chased by another boat, smelling each others farts, drinking Cam water, being shouted at by a cock at the front and a bigger cock on a bike (the plural is cox) and generally having a ruddy bloody good time! Raa!
you dont see under 7's doing it, but you do see slightly older kiddy winks out there. its just that college crews are a menace or at best a nuisance to other rowers, so they row at different times.
Yeah, weekday afternoons for most of the schools around here that offer rowing to their pupils and weekend lunchtimes for kiddies affiliated to the town clubs. Cambridge is very lucky to have such a big rowing scene. Rowing is such a great sport: getting fit with your mates, team spirit, competition and fun (and lager afterwards if you wish with rowers of the opposite sex).
If only it was as easy as going to Cindies. By the sounds of it Matt, you would have more chance pulling in a boat than on a night out in Cindies. Hey maybe thats why they all do it, so they can at least say they pulled during their time in the Cam bubble…..
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8 guys pulling one girl?
That's what we have coxes for.
From what I've seen at Clare, the 'boaties' (cringe) are a pack of weirdos. They're either full-on Christian Union or socially inept, or both. And yet they somehow think they rule the college because rowing is supposedly 'so Cambridge'. They all need to get a life, get laid, and lose the awful stash.
Yeah, and they're shit.
Half of them are getting laid thanks. And not all of them are one of those. Why don't you stop chatting bull you ignorant tosser. Jealous or what.
Yep. You really know what you're talking about! Everyone is Christian, apart from, you know, all the ones that aren't. Well spotted. If you yourself were able to hold a conversation for more than 3 minutes you might realise that that aren't socially inept and vast generalisations are for twats, and do you honestly any club at Clare thinks we own the college? This isn't Trinity…
I do love the envy in the bitter comments!
The cox is at the back of the boat, not the front… Amusing article though.
"No wonder its one of the sports Britain can win at; if the Jamaicans could afford it they’d beat us at it too." NO they probably wouldn't
"There don’t seem to be alot of tactics, either" well yes, there are actually. particularly in bumps.
Showing that you actually do know nothing about rowing, as you promised. So why write a badgering article on it you twat.
You didn't go into any details on those complex tactics..
massive twat.
boo
this smacks of envy – everyone secretly wants in on the lycra
Did you just write this article to prove your own ignorance – well done.
Absolute comedy, i love this article almost as much as i love rowing.
rowing is for people who can't play rugby….. and ultimate frisbee is for people who can't row (i.e. complete spacks)
Ha, absolutely.
LOLOLOLOL
i'm going to find the writer of this article and make his life a living hell
no you're not you pussy'ole
What are you going to do? talk about the only thing you do throughout your entire university life incessantly. YAWN
A truly wonderful piece, Sir. Bravo.
As long as they're not harming anyone else (with incessant chat about rowing to people who have made it clear that they are not interested), let the boaties have their fun. The "rivalry" between rowers and non-rowers is almost as pretentious and silly as the Oxford-Cambridge rivalry, lets all just get along
Disagree, not anyone can do it. It's so stuck up and elitist that if you aren't shagging the right guy in another crew or doing the quickest ergs or best pals with those well involved with it then you get isolated, abused and used and ultimately pushed away.
They are all a load of wankers who come from public school and like a piss up once a term.
LOL @ seriousness above.
Love this article. It's everything I believe in witty prose. Well done sir.
It’s nice to have a go at rowing when someone else is paying for the boat (and the repairs) and the council is nice enough to reserve the river for you, so not as toffy and exclusive as you might think. It’s also a laugh seeing some prig with an oar up his arse shake their head just because you refuse to use the ‘correct’ vocab (eg calling it an oar. It’s a fucking oar! Calling it a blade doesn’t make you a member of some special gang all of a sudden). It is also a good introduction to members of the opposite sex, who the nerds of the world finally have some way of striking up a conversation with. But that doesn’t mean many boat clubs should be permitted to be so boreish and humourless. the world doesn’t revolve around bumps, blazers and not being to handle their booze. People don’t just make up their hatred for boats, they’re fecking invasive and inescapable! When a boaty get’s defensive and whines at me i take solace that i’ve never met a non-boaty who doesn’t agree with me!
"I’ve never rowed, I’ve never coxed and I’ve only seen ‘Bumps’ once. Therefore I am qualified to have a moan about it."
Interesting use of therefore.