**

It’s not that I don’t like Twilight; it’s more that I don’t understand it. I don’t understand how such a poorly written series of books which is essentially a bad teen drama with added vampires and themes of Mormonism can be such a global phenomenon without anyone realising that it’s a bit rubbish. No matter how advanced the human race becomes, we will always be sucked in by crazes which simultaneously insult our intelligence and delight us because we know that we can legitimately switch off our brains for a couple of hours and no one will notice. Just look at The Da Vinci Code. An awful book, a worse film, but controversial enough to keep the common man happy. However, what Dan Brown’s tale doesn’t have is what I consider to be the secret to Twilight’s success: hot boys. I’m sure I’m not the only one who was not aroused by Robert Langdon’s mullet, but I must admit, Edward Cullen hypnotises into a state where I am not entirely sure what sex he is, what sex I am, and whether it would be ok to… be friends.

 Anyway, enough of the sexually ambiguous ramblings and onto the film. The latest in the newly named Twilight Saga picks up where the first monstrosity left off. Bella (a still annoying Kristen Stewart) has pretty much accepted the fact that there is a small possibility that her vampire boyfriend Edward (sexiest man on Earth Robert Pattinson) might just eat her alive in the middle of the night, but they’re totally cool with it and everything cos he’s, like, super hot. Apart from increasing concerns that a vampire-human love fest might be odd when Bella looks like an old woman and Edward is still mesmerising, things appear to be going swimmingly for the pair. And then Edward leaves. Why? Couldn’t tell you. He just packs his bags and runs off to Italy. What a douchebag. But fear not Edward fans, because newly buff Wolfman Jacob (Taylor Lautner, busting out of his shirt) is on the scene to help Bella get over her loss. Although they say that once you’ve had vamp you never go back, Bella begins to realise that she might just be able to love an anabolic steroid enhanced wolf, and a supernatural love triangle between the opposing forces of bite and bark is set in motion.

 The normal response to this kind of emotionally charged plot is ‘mayhem ensues’, but New Moon is about as static as a race between a sloth and a tortoise. In a swamp. In slow motion. With both competitors wearing lead boots. Much like the first film, creative decisions are all over the place, with more time spent on longing looks between the leads and not enough time spent on the actual narrative. The result is that you get to the end of the 130 minute (!) running time and realise that nothing has happened. A scene in Italy which introduces the vaguely interesting Volturi, basically a Vampire version of the X Factor judges, is hideously rushed, and the brilliant Michael Sheen isn’t really given a chance to play demonic as the sinister Aro. The action scenes are sparse, and when they do come seem almost wedged into the love story that is clearly the director’s main interest, while the script is as clunky as before, with Robert Pattinson’s recital of Romeo’s last speech sticking out like Edward’s complexion in Essex, especially when compared to zingers like ‘Feeling sick? Maybe you need to go to the hospital. Do you want me to put you in the hospital?’ The Bard would be so proud…

 Bearing in mind that for most of the book Edward Cullen is absent, studio bosses were always going to have a problem fitting in a character who has become somewhat of a 21st century icon over the past year. The solution is to have him reappear in visions giving bad advice, but there is still a sense throughout the film that Robert Pattinson’s chiselled cheekbones are sorely missed. Despite not having one, he is the soul of the Twilight franchise and I will happily, nay, proudly admit that I play for Team Edward. The character is excellently portrayed by Pattinson and his rival Jacob, despite having The Torso, is actually rather dull. I mean, Taylor Lautner is kind of pretty, but he lacks that mysterious charm and depth to make him a suitable replacement for the vampire. Jacob’s uncharismatic nature makes it nearly unbelievable that Bella would fall for him so rapidly after being ditched by Edward, and thus the love triangle lacks the passion that it needs. In fact, the wolf shape-shifters in general (they’re not werewolves: they don’t get bitten by a wolf, they don’t change at the full moon…) are quite boring, and nowhere near as interesting as Edward and his family in the first film. The amount of toned flesh will undoubtedly keep the ladies happy, but behind that they truly do not have the depth to carry the weight of the film on their lupine shoulders.

 Fans of the book will obviously lap up New Moon, and stylistically it is probably a teensy bit better than its predecessor. Gone are the blacks and blues of the first film, replaced with warm browns and reds reflecting Bella’s change in a potentially killer boyfriend, and Edward even looks better in his ‘true form’, but the old problems still remain. Not enough action, a ropey script and a lack of progression make viewing New Moon quite tedious, while the gratuitous shots of 16 year old boys with their shirts off is bordering on perversion. Oh, and make sure you get ready to sing the Eastenders theme song after the final line, which is about as predictable as me receiving bad comments underneath this review for bashing Twilight. Come and get some Twi-hards! What are you, eight? Twelve? My English teacher? What next I wonder? Edward Cullen ordering a Bloody Mary and winking to the camera?

 The trick for the next film will be to keep Robert Pattinson on screen for as much time as possible. That way, the pacing can be awful, the script laughable, and no one will care because we’ll all be lost in his chromatically varied eyes. Edward Cullen can suck my, erm, blood, any day.
 

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