Obama the Impotent: No. He. Can't.
Lots of things happened in 2009. Some people cared deeply about them for reasons I’ve yet to fully fathom. It’s a worrying part of the human condition that we get so deeply enthused about people and events that have no impact on our lives. The reality is: people you don’t know and who don’t affect you don’t matter, and if you think they do, then you’re a twat. Even the people and events that seem to be important usually end up being flatly disappointing; therefore, to avoid being crushed by your total dissatisfaction with modern life you need to fully embrace apathy. To prove the point, here’s a few ‘important’ events that happened in the past year that I didn’t, and you shouldn’t have, given two shits about.
Michael Jackson dies
‘The King of Pop’, the most famous man on the planet, the greatest entertainer of all time… really? As far as I can tell, he made one decent album nearly thirty years ago and everything he’s done since has been bollocks. The most annoying part of his demise is that everyone seemed to fall in love with him about 30 seconds after his doctor started covering up his murder. He’s not Van Gogh or Alan Turing. He wasn’t a visionary who was ahead of his time. He was a mentally ill man who danced like a werewolf and paid someone to mutilate his face.
So, why is everyone mourning? If anything, you should be happy he’s out of the gene pool and away from your children. I was in Tunisia when I heard the news, and I had no idea that MJ was so popular in North Africa: when I left my hotel room I found scores of local women dressed head to toe in black, presumably as a sign of mourning. I wore a ‘Home Alone’ t-shirt with a big picture of Macaulay Culkin on the front; he would have preferred it.
Obama wins the election
Change? Sadly not. We all fell in love with DILFy Barry; we all worshipped the ground he walked on; we all spent many a night dreaming that he’d go Clinton and we’d get a face full of presidential jizz, kneeling on the floor of the oval office whilst Obama ran his fingers through our hair and moaned the words ‘yes…you…can’. Just me? But, in his first year on the throne, Barry hasn’t really done anything. Yes, I know he closed Guantanamo and let some innocent people go, but, statistically, not all of those people were guiltless.
I was hoping that he’d change the world, bring democracy to China and refreeze the ice caps. But, sadly, he’s going about fixing these major issues with the haste of Christopher Reeve in a 100m sprint. The Americans now owe China about a trillion dollars, so if Obama brings up issues of democracy, the Chinese will break his knee-caps and skull-fuck the aide to his deputy chief of staff. If he brings up the environment, the red-necks will lynch him in a nostalgic reminder of ’50s culture. So in an anti-climatic finale to the most sexy and exciting race in political history, Obama has disappointed: it’s like pulling a supermodel and then jizzing in your pants on the taxi ride home.
The expenses scandal
Firstly, I should point out that a key reason why I just don’t care about this is that ‘The Telegraph’ milked this story to the extent that if sucked on its teat any more, nothing would come out but a mouthful of dry, rancid dust. Just move on. Objectively, what our MPs did was fraudulent. But I’m not sure that I think this is a bad thing. I quite like the idea of being lead by a corrupt government. The level of corruption in our country is feeble. If we look at even a moderately corrupt government, say Italy, we can see how much more cool their leaders are; I mean, Berlusconi uses public money to appoint hookers as civil servants, and spends his time spit-roasting teenage models, rather than ratifying bills.
I want a leader to restore our reputation as playboys, a leader who thinks ‘child benefits’ is code for ejaculating in a sixteen-year-old’s eye. Why? Because, if we look at all the governments we’ve had in the last 70 years, all we’ve done is complain that they meddle too much and then fuck things up. If we had a government of crooks and perverts they’d be far to busy having a laugh to ruin the country. We would live in a prosperous, egalitarian society, and all that our leaders would do is provide entertainment. The international community would stop looking at Gordon and imagining us as boring bastards, instead looking at our new regime and imagining that we’re all somewhere between James Bond and Mick Jagger.
So there’s what I thought of some un-enthusing, over hyped events from last year, and if you point out that it’s February and that I should have written this at the start of the year: I don’t give a shit; and neither should you. Or to put it much more eloquently: “Nothing is more conducive to peace of mind than not having any opinion at all”, Georg Christoph Lichtenberg – Scientist, Satirist and spokesman for blissful apathy.
well done editor. (still a very weak 3rd section.)
Guantanamo hasn't actually closed yet.
r.e. Obama going Clinton and dreaming of shagging him in the Oval Office… Not just you! We've all had the thought!