As students of this prestigious if not slightly ridiculous University, we live in a bubble, isolated from the outside world and living in the socially retarded universe that is Cambridge. It’s such a shock when you go to a club at home and realise that you’re not stuck to the floor, no one has vomited in any of the urinals, and (shock horror) you don’t know at least half the people inside. But how does this socially isolating bubble affect that which is the most social of activities… sex?
Outside of Cambridge the general public appear to have warped views about us; they think that we all own yachts and horses, and that we all spend our free time reading novels in Russian and praying (to God or to Newton).
People who have never been to Cambridge assume that we just don’t fuck.
This is evident from anyone who saw the international news coverage of the noisy Newnham girls, which made headlines in the India Times and pretty much every British paper, ‘the idea of men courting women in an all female college, surely not!’ Well we all know that despite the fact that quite a lot of the girls at Newnham wear dungarees and think that hair removal is oppressive, there are still a lot of them who regularly enjoy the company of men-folk, and that when they do they scream like banshees.
But is there some truth in the projected image of a virtuous Cambridge student? People from other Universities, the ones that have people living in the centre of town who aren’t students, would be shocked by the politics of the bubble. The Warwicks and the Loughboroughs and the Birminghams – they pass hundreds of people in clubs each evening who they will never see again. One Birminghamite friend lamented to me last week that she’d “got with a really fit boy last night.” Lucky you. “But I’ll never see him again,” she wailed. What about next Wednesday night? “Oh god, life isn’t a fucking Hollywood movie!” – it seems that she just couldn’t understand the Cambridge clubbing concept of the same people going to the same clubs at the same time each week; thus, couldn’t understand how hard it is to screw someone and never see them again in this godforsaken place.
This begs the question: In a town as small as this, can you actually have a one night stand? Can you really have classic, no-strings-attached sex? Can you fuck someone and never see them again? Well yes, assuming you have no friends in common, they’re not a student, and they don’t live in Cambridge. But on the off-chance that this isn’t the case then it has been statistically proven that you will most definitely see them, either vomiting outside Fez or eating someone else’s face in Cindies.
So why would any one want a one night stand? Some may find the idea of a slightly overweight and funky smelling mathmo bouncing up and down on top of them whilst they stave off the urge to chunder not altogether appealing, but that doesn’t stop hundreds of students flocking to Jelly Baby each week on the off chance that they might kiss someone whose mouth tastes like an apple-VK belch.
If you play your cards right, however, you can potentially enjoy the bliss of a Cantabrigian one nighter. For the benefit of Comp-Scis, the Tab suggests the following list of do’s and don’ts for one night stands:
Do:
• Make sure you can remember the person’s name; if you forget you don’t look like a player, just a twat.
• Lubricate if you’re drunk; no one likes friction burns.
• Maximise the foreplay (and no, touching her up in the Mahal probably won’t make her that Mahal-uable. (sorry))
Don’t:
• Attempt to bond after sex, the only thing you will probably have in common is itchy and infectious.
• Try the Cindies Tuesday/Wednesday double-header. You should lay low for a while if you didn’t enjoy that brief night of passion all that much.
• Go to Sainsbury’s in your lunchbreak, or after lectures. You will DEFINITELY see him/her and look like a twat as you drop your Special Offer Hot Cross Buns in surprise. It’s now open until midnight, so drop in at around 11pm, when you’re guaranteed a safe shopping experience.
• Stalk him/her on Facebook. It will scare you just how many mutual friends you have.
This was really funny. I love you son xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
excellent article dave
mummy and auntie love you. safe sex is the only way.
"This begs the question: In a town as small as this, can you actually have a one night stand? Can you really have classic, no-strings-attached sex?"
This is so Carrie Bradshaw lol.
GREAT article, all so true, but you forgot to mention the utter mine-field that is May Balls. You are absolutely GUARENTEED to run into at least 5 or so of the year's conquest, and will have to attempt to casually explain away your shrieks of surprise / horror whilst hanging off the arm of your new boyfriend. Eurgh, nightmare. Least acceptable of all are those who think it's fair game to approach you in such a situation, say hi and expect an introduction to your new beau… Yeah right, like hell I remember your name with which to introduce you!
Right on Jess! Its SO embarrassing when that happens, its like oh god who are you, right?????
[...] most wise and admirable student has given up pulling people in Cindies, because you always see them again and it’s really awkward, it always makes the college gossip magazine and it’s always a [...]
Trust me, Warwick is a fucking bubble! You do end up seeing the same people in the same clubs all the time, shame follows you around everywhere. Dont go thinking Cambridge is special in this respect, im sure it happens at every uni.
People think that Cambridge students don't have sex —-> we definitely do —-> here are some tips on how to get it