‘Oh no, Valentine’s Day is just a tacky commercial bandwagon, I couldn’t care less…’ It’s a well-rehearsed phrase for all girls, especially Cambridge ones with far more intellectual things to be getting on with.
But should the boys believe this, I hear you ask? One step ahead of the game, I broke out of the library and delved around in the female psyche for some fundamental truths. And to avoid any misunderstandings (“I didn’t mean THAT sort of sausage!”), I asked them for pictures.
So gentlemen, ‘What do women want this Valentine’s Day?’ From the heart-warming to the bizarre, here are my anonymous favourites:
1) Smile!
“Boys are often dreadful at eye contact, it’d be nice if he smiled at me with his eyes while we work.” NB: Tyra Banks calls this ‘smizing’ (eye-smiling) on America’s Next Top Model, which is an excellent concept except there is a danger of looking chronically constipated.
Do a Tyra and entice your Valentine with a flash of your pearly whites
2) Pigeon hole fun
“I have an unhealthy relationship with my pigeonhole, I’m addicted to post. Any boy who would fill my pidge with Creme Eggs gets the thumbs up from me, it’s never too early for Easter eggs!” Someone’s hungry for the next commercial bandwagon, aren’t they? Nonetheless, pidge-lovin’ is a sound idea. A whopper bar of Dairy Milk (the original, and the best?) with a mysterious note will be just the jump-start your love wagon needs. Blatant hinting about your identity is fine, you have ingratiated yourself with your cocoa offering.
Nothing says ‘I care’ more than a pigeon surprise…
3) Pretty woman
“It would be nice if my boyfriend told me I was pretty, or dare I say b-e-a-u-tiful for once, rather than the generic ‘sexy body’ lines. Don’t be embarrassed, Tab readers!” Good point well made. Uncensored truths can be wonderful, but keep the body comments wholly positive on Valentine’s Day. ‘You have chunky thighs but at least your killer rack compensates’ does not a happy bunny make.
A compliment a day…
4) Prince Charming
“I can always tell when a boy makes an effort, and when he has just rolled off the work-wagon and schlepped round to mine. I try and look good for him, but he treats me like his sister most of the time!” Ooh, cutting. Before you dismiss this ‘ungrateful woman’, consider seizing this opportunity to spruce yourself up spontaneously: shave that fluff off your face, scrub the lewd doodles off your arm and put the kettle on. Hot chocolate and a Sainsbury’s cookie for an impromptu gyp-picnic are excellent charm weapons of choice as frosty week five approaches.
Differentiate between your Valentine and your sister with a thoughtful choice on i-Player
5) Buy one, get one free
“It’s sad seeing all the Valentine’s stuff going half price in Sainsbury’s, no one keeps the romance going.” I recommend a crafty two-pronged attack: one ambush now and one next week. Neither need be grand gestures but knowing that you’re still thinking of her, not just your supervisor, is a sure-fire way to keep that spark alive.
repeat the romance…
Now you’re buoyed up with romantic inspiration, it’s time to seize Cupid by the wings and make the most of this Valentine’s Day.
Make these girls proud: this can only end well.
I would recommend not leaving the flowers for an extra week, lest they ROT AND DIE.
Although, you know, vases and shit.
Nah, shit only works on flowers before they're picked.
Want.
A good seeing to.
No, they all want a good Wallering.
What women really want, although most will never admit to it, is a man who know that he doesn't need to buy their affection on Valentine's day with chocolate or flowers. Instead, as a busy man whose life does not revolve solely around his gf, he gives her the most precious thing he has: his time.
Sure, everyone likes to receive presents once in a while, but doing it when it is expected diminishes the significance of the gesture. Nothing could be more tacky or less romantic than doing something for your gf on the day where everyone expects you to. It's so much more classy and surprising to show up with a small gift on a completely random day, when she least expects it. Just imagine the looks on our friends' faces.
you do that on other days doesn't mean that you can't also do it on valentines day….
a lot of words, jew
This is a classic prisoners' dilemma, as xkcd points out:
'The worst resolution to the Valentine's Prisoners' Dilemma is when YOU decide not to give your partner a present but your PARTNER decides to testify against you in the armed robbery case.'
munroe's rule: it is always possible to shoehorn a reference to xkcd into any internet comments thread
munroe's second rule: doing so makes you a loathsome twat
I think perhaps you should have planned the shape of that speech bubble before you started drawing it.
try to look good
not 'try and look good'
Depends what you're trying to say. The second makes sense – to try, and to look good.
'Any boy who would fill my pidge with Creme Eggs gets the thumbs up…'
OH you dirty, dirty little girl. Wonder where those thumbs will go eh.
The Tab's advice on Valentine's day is phenomenally shite.
http://cambridgepost.it/ZBKSe40XGzAxpVZpDdg6
STOP SAYING WAGON!!!!!