Penises do love a good bit of sex, don’t they. What they like slightly less, however, is shrouding themselves in ill fitting, sperm slaughtering latex.

Recently willies have been speaking out, taking on the voice of Joe Nelson, founder of Theyfit condoms. Here is a man who looks the mood-deadening tight squeeze or loose crinkle of the one-size-fits-all condom in the eye and triumphantly ejaculates: ‘Time to measure your Percy, my boy!’

It is with a similar excitement that we, a bunch of dicks, decided to put these personally tailored jonnies to the test. Fingers a-trembling we printed off the FitKit, held it to our front bottoms, cast our most intimate information to goodly Mr Nelson and eagerly awaited the product.

With names subtly tweaked to disguise identities, here is what we thought:

Big Mike, Geography, Theyfit willy size: N21

“I tried them for both sex and for a posh wank. I basically found that they’re much more comfortable and easier to put on which helped me out no end. It can ruin the mood a little bit if it takes ages to put on a condom that’s actually much too small (or is that just me?). Still not as good as not using a condom at all, but I can imagine they’d be useful if you were having sex with lots of different people and therefore wanted to use a condom all the time.”

Big Mike’s lady friend:

“I didn’t really notice much difference to normal condoms, but then again, I think that’s because I wasn’t wearing it.”

Shy Norman, MML, Theyfit willy size: O11

“What can I say? I felt like royalty, as did my todger… Normally I feel like I should whisper words of apology to the little guy as I roll him into his anonymous Durex. But for him to finally have his own specially tailored outerwear..! Upon hearing the rustle of the packet opening and anticipating the comfort about to come, he stood to attention more proudly than ever before. He was not disappointed: they felt feather light and invisible. Being very much the average Joe, it also felt great to be able to roll the condom out fully, with no extra ‘bundle’ at the base. Pure class this was.”

Shy Norman’s significant other:

“The first time I had sex, the boy wore a French condom that was entirely black in colour. This looked quite sinister, especially when contrasted to his ginger pubes. This was much better. It was also nice to see his penis not looking like a painfully vacuum packed chorizo.”

Neville Thornbush, MML, Theyfit willy size: N77

“I’ve always been into designer condoms ever since I first glanced ‘fruits of the forest flavour’ in the men’s lavatory in a service station on the M11. Up until now I have felt distinctly disappointed with any of the alternatives I’ve tried. Now this genuinely was exciting – I can imagine that if Posh wasn’t on the pill, Becks would definitely have a supply of these beauties. Everyone has at some point felt let down by the average condom – there’s always that moment where it goes over your bellend, and squashes it all down like Goliath on a bouncy castle. Or a tube of toothpaste – actually that’s a better comparison.”

Neville’s missus

“Was really cute to see him so excited about a Johnny for a change… He’s always complained about the lack of sensation with a condom. Seems he got it back this time – that was clear from how long, or rather not so long, he lasted!”

Owly Morris, vet, Theyfit willy size: O11

“I would liken the experience of rolling on the condom to how I imagine it would be like to try on a bespoke Armani suit. There was a marked increase in sensation, and I could definitely feel more on my helmet. I always get her to put my condom on for me, as I believe this increases the special bond between a man and a woman, and with the easy-on feel of this condom, the experience was all the more sensual.”

Owly’s squeeze

“He was definitely more excited – like a child with a new toy. This time, he spewed less crap about special bonds between men and women.”

Tadpole Jones, Mathematics, Theyfit willy size M11

“Whilst I don’t have a lot of length, I’ve always liked to consider myself quite hot in the girth department, which has always meant Johnnies were a bit snug. Thank God to finally see my willy basking in his roomy suit – my stiffy was definitely bigger than usual.”

Tadpole’s Hand

“Best ham I’ve ever slammed.”

And so there you have it. Theyfit condoms entered our pants and our lives, and will always be a welcome addition to our wallets.

And you too could be the proud owner of A TERM’S SUPPLY OF TAILORED CONDOMS! Send a short poem about your member to editor@cambridgetab.co.uk, and the winner will be thus rewarded.

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