To most of us, the word marriage is enough to make us choke on our strawpedos.
Even to students who are coupled up, it's hard enough getting your head round Valentines day, occasionally changing the sheets, and presenting yourself to your beloved's parents without accidentally bringing up your major vices (Alcoholism, Porn, Imaginary friends, a burning desire to work in Tesco), without the commitment of Forever to reckon with. Even presented with weird and wonderful scenarios- if Justin Timberlake/Jessica Alba was captured by Somalian pirates and the only way to save his/her life as to marry him/her so he/she could claim asylum in the UK, would you do it? The majority of students- as least I hope- would blanch a little at the commitment involved, (not to mention the visa-scamming, terrifying pre-nup and the certainty of being heckled with Kanye West feat. Jamie Foxx). But there are more couples willing to take the plunge than you might imagine.
Having spoken to four Cambridge students who have decided to tie the knot, I was surprised to discover that only one stated religious beliefs as a participating factor in her decision to become engaged- and as a reason to wait until marriage before having sex. For all four, three of whom have already set a date, the two big reasons for popping the question were love, and the desire to make a long-term pledge to be together. As Jessica Jones explains, for her, the two are inseparable: “We love each other and want to be together and want to share that in a public way to everyone around us – so the natural way for us to do this was to get engaged and then marry. Commitment is scary but that is what love is – commitment. Looking to promise to be there for each other to love and to hold, for richer for poorer, in sickness and in health for the rest of our lives is one of the most beautiful and difficult promises we'll ever make.” To a recovering commitment-phobe, that sounds a little bit terrifying. In all honesty, the sound of a priest intoning marriage vows makes me want shave my head, join a monastery and learn to levitate.
However I couldn't help admiring the bravery these couples showed in taking such a big decision about their lives, regardless of the expectations of friends and family. It seems like a lot of people's parents would be less shocked to see pictures of their kids
naked and covered in vomit on Facebook, then find out they were engaged. (For the record, I will probably be pushing my kids in the direction of the sick-covered nudity).
Siobhan Davis talks about the reactions of her family on announcing her engagement:
"My grandmother wasn't happy about it. When I told her over the phone, her first response was "Oh, Siobhan! But he's got no prospects!”. She is very conscious of money, whereas I couldn't care less how much Tom has in the bank. Fortunately she
has calmed down about it now. The rest of the family were really happy for us, in fact my brother and mother were having bets on when he was going to pop the question! Other students have been generally fine. Some have assumed I must be religious or pregnant. Of which I am neither! Others have said that I must be too young.
I never envisaged getting married this young either- I expected to have finally found someone to settle down with around 28- but I just found the right person a bit earlier than predicted."
For the most part, the couples all said other students were supportive, despite feeling shocked that people around them were already shacking up. To someone living the lifestyle of a single student, marriage is a kind of Never-Never Land, more ‘Love Actually’ than, um, love actually. Yet when asked whether they thought students were generally too promiscuous, none of the couples took the opportunity to swing a blow at Bachelors and Bachelorettes- all said it was a personal choice, rather than path that they felt more people should take. Jessica does, however, warn: “We have seen other friends deeply hurt after broken relationships and it can be a damaging situation psychologically and emotionally”. Rivka Lewis also expresses concern over the potentially destructive nature of casual relationships: “A lot of girls don't think of their personal security or safety as an issue until it becomes one, and so are very vulnerable, particularly if they're doing a lot of partying (I'm sure that the same is true to some extent of guys). The other thing is that students in general may believe themselves more prepared to cope with the emotional impacts of casual sex than they actually are, and thus have a major shock when it becomes a problem” . This is undoubtedly true. And imagine- getting married would be an amazing excuse for getting out of going to Cindies- home of most sexual abuse in Cambridge. Apparently, unless you are the old lady who scrubs down the sticky sicky bar the morning after, you are not actually allowed in there once you've got engaged. (College marriages don't count). So it's a choice- the home of Barbie's slutty little sister or marriage. You can't have both. But before you decide, for the romantics among you, here are the stories how of the four lovely couples I interviewed popped the question:
Jessica and Chris:
“Chris created a ruse that he was taking me to Paris to accompany him on a 'work trip' to investigate the Vélib' cycle hire scheme there, having already been on one such trip at Transport for London where he works. So he took me completely by surprise when in one of the palace gardens I turned around and saw him on one knee, ring in hand: "Jessica, will you marry me?" Scream. Laugh. Giggle. But no answer. Chris once again prompted me for a response, and I said yes!”
Tom and Caroline:
“I proposed to my fiancée here in Cambridge at the end of last September. I was hoping to go away somewhere nice to do it, but was just about to head for a medical placement for 5 weeks away from Cambridge. I wanted to do it
before I went away so had to settle for here!”
Adam and Rivka:
“I asked Adam over the summer, while he was staying with me. We'd just had a really fantastic few days, and it seemed the right time. We didn't let people know until after Christmas, though, because that was when we told the parents. We decided to get engaged now because we'd been trying not to ask each other for a while, and it was incredibly frustrating.”
Siobhan and Tom:
“Having made a conscious decision to be really open about everything, we spoke about getting married really early on in the relationship. We knew we wanted to marry each other about four months into it! Tom proposed properly in October last year when I went to see him at university in Durham. It wasn't a big surprise as we had talked about it so much, but he still did the traditional, down on one knee style proposal with a beautiful art-deco diamond ring. As he's not one for tradition, I thought it was very sweet! Of course I said yes.”
Anyone changed their mind about marriage yet?
i like how "Uni Survival Guide: The Break Up" is one of the related articles
Hi i work for a tv production company and we are currently making a series about Marriage. We are looking for young couples who are planning on getting married this year to get in contact.
marriage@renegadepictures.co.uk
Kind thanks, Beki x