Whilst scouting the Internet for Burns Night haggis recipes, I happily stumbled across a Scottish slang website.
Now, when I next go to Fife and am abused by hoodlums, I will be able to breezily retort: “Hinka cumfae cashore canfeh? Ahl hityi oar hied ’caw taughtie”. As in, “Do you think just because I come from Carronshore I cannot fight? I shall hit you over the head with a cold potato”.
As a half-Scot, I must celebrate Burns Night or face accusations of mudbloodery. The trouble is, the festival’s gastronomic centre of gravity – haggis – doesn’t much appeal. If I could get my hands on a straight-talking, heavy-duty legit-lung-and-liver haggis, sculpted by a butcher/farmer who does oat and suet producing on the side, then my darling buds of taste would probably not object. But all I have is the cheapo Sainsburys pack.
However! After perilous experimentation and much surfing, I have discovered that haggis can be delicious. Well, at least, not bad. Here are three recipes to pimp your haggis from hag to hottie. Or something.
Haggomelette
Mix 2 wee eggs and grated cheese with crumbled, already-cooked haggis. Salt-and-pepperfy. Slide some beurre in to a pan. Scramble.
Eggcellent!
Haggis present
Make a patty out of already-cooked haggis and lie it on top of a thin square of ready-rolled puff pastry. Add chutney and thyme. Gather the four sides and pull upwards, to make a parcel. Brush with oil/butter/egg, and blitz in the oven for twenty minutes.
Why not pop it into your friend’s pigeon hole?
Haggeese on toast
Toast some bread. Chuck on some cheese. Sprinkle on some cooked haggis.
Can’t get breader than that!
No idea what Burns Night is? READ The Tab’s guide to the event HERE.
But you've missed out the way that most Scots eat their haggis – deep-fried in batter,
I really, really want a haggis supper now. Wonder when I can next get home…
NOMS.
I miss real haggis. And white pudding, and red pudding. And a proper chippy.
The lack of chip shops in this town is a fuckin joke. All good for costa coffee and organic health food shops tho.
There is a chippy in Cambridge that does battered mars bars, which I discovered last year. Nice little reminder of home, if extremely calorie-guilty…
How well you write.
with every article.
… the same doesn't go for your comments
scraggis
yes boys
This is amazing.
Me gusta
Can't wait for Independence – they can take this revolting food back up North.
can't wait for independence either. If you're gonna be controlled by a country with curry as its national dish, i'd rather it was india.
9/10
I don't know that person, well I have no idea what you're chatting about, you're crazy and making no sense at all!
don't understand how anybody could not love you (no homo)
Leaf, you are simply delectable!
P.S. I would happily put my Haggis in your pigeon hole. Not just on Burns Night, but every night if you so choose!
Regards,
BibleJohnPaul II
xx
Great comment, I had to reply to that one, even though it was addressed to Leaf in the header.
A few quick words of travel advice. if you're being 'abused' in Fife, don't mention fighting with a potato. This may be alrite in whatever private boarding school you're from. Say that in fife, you'll get battered; say that in glasgow, you'll get stabbed.
That'll only happen to you – you should be talking conditionally if you were being polite and using yourself as the reference… If I spoke like you I would have almost no power at all etc. most people would take personally you saying something like that in most places around the world would lead to you being cold (potat)OD'd in hospital mate. I always thought Parry was a witticism on a guy being named after Paris, the capital of France, as the way it is pronounced in French would make it sound like "parry".
In Germany, Scottish persons are forbidden unless they are wearing lederhosen
i h8 u and everything u stand for xoz