Browsing the dating pages at the back of the newspaper, the words: ‘T-total’ always successfully conjure up images of cross-wielding, Christian, fanatics and/ or ex-crack addict, ‘reformees’ who do talks in GCSE PSHE classes up and down the country as part of their parole. So I imagine, readers, that the idea of giving up alcohol seems like a torture that no uni student would choose to bare.
But this was not self flagellation: I’d just ruined my life in Life one too many times. That’s right, it was to be the last tactical chunder, word vomit, drunk-Facebook, hung over write-off day, apology text, that I would voluntarily induce.
We’ve all been there…
I had a long hard think about how much I really enjoyed black-outs, excreting my stomach lining out of my face and slurring on Cindies Stories (RIP). “Perhaps the answer is in drinking in moderation?” I hear you cry. I’ve always believed in the mantra: go hard or go home. Plus, maintaining the Mecca of the ultimate ‘happy tipsy’ is a delicate science to achieve, equal only to discovering the cure for cancer or making home-made meth. I’ll admit I had envisaged giving up alcohol permanently on a non-religious crusade. But ten days was all I managed…
The Sober Swap
Pros- when you’re sober you can taste the food
Cons- when you’re sober you can taste the food
Pros win out due to the fact you can still ‘penny’ people and get ‘pennied’ yet you are less easily encouraged to lap- dance for the guy dressed in a Primark onesy and go home with him, only to walk-of- shame-it home from some God-forsaken college at 6am still with popadom in your hair.
Freezing when sober
Sober Cindies
Cindies with alcohol is a depraved hell- hole, which somehow brings out the worst part of every person. Without alcohol, Cindies is a depraved hell- hole, which somehow brings out the worst part of every person. Difference? Minimal. You are perhaps more able to eloquently decline the request of a booty grind and make a quick getaway to the bar: “One coke please”.
Life in real Life
In my usual beer-goggled form, Life is a haven, a beautiful place, with a large outdoor area, a perfect arena for gymnastics on the poles or ambling round in that continuous circle to go back in and then out again. Without the beer goggles, newsflash: it’s a bit average. You can still have fun though, and gymnastics is acceptable (as long as the bouncer’s not looking) with or without a drunken haze to cushion your fall.
Not so drunken D –floors
The truth of the matter is being sober and trying to bust out ‘The Sprinkler’ or ‘The Shopping Trolley’ is somehow more embarrassing and physically demanding. If you’re going to have a sober one, steer clear of the exotic moves.
Couldn’t say it better myself
T-total Taxis
On the plus side- you don’t end up spilling all your coins on the floor when you try and pay, slurring, “Can we have the light on please?” or “Pull over I’m going to be sick” at any point during the journey. On top of that, the quality of conversation greatly improves when you’re not channelling all your energy into replying to the texts on your phone which read: “Where are you? Are you wid thsat guy? z” with one eye open because that’ll make you “see better”.
Cons- you don’t have a kebab!
So after ten days, I’m back on the wagon (or off the wagon?) but it’s definitely worth experiencing. Remember alcohol leads to irrational behaviour, blurred vision and an inability to make decisions… So? Drink up.
What should I give up next? Suggestions welcome.
try giving up writing for the tab next… that was awful.
Totally disagree, thought it was insightful, realistic, and funny!
Awesome article! Don't think I could do it though so well played!
Funny article! Can't wait to see what you give up next!
hilarious and astute…next time, no facebook?
Attention
raaawwwwr
Excellent article Ms Damon!
Teetotal surely?
I went T-PJ-total when I started my 21s career
compare maintaining a ‘happy tipsy’ state and finding the cure for cancer
Ten days? Good job. Try half a term (apart from this one time).
Just please don't write about it.
What with all the issues of inequality, social discontent, corruption, tyranny and the global deprivation of human rights, I feel this is a profoundly useful, alternative approach to expressing just how repulsive humans can be.
Well done Poppy Damon (and The Tab). You've provided a beautifully horrific insight into just how awful 21st century Britain is becoming.
Wow, that's so deep
Tell me about it.
Thinking giving up alcohol is a big deal is just as childish as the 12 year olds who think a bottle of cider in the park makes them grown up.
im gay for cock
One does not simply stop drinking…
You're a god with words poppy, A GOD