Part of being friends with someone is being a complete dick to them, and in the modern world that should probably mostly take place on Facebook. Here’s The Tab’s guide to some clandestine and invasive fun.
THE QUICKIE: Prepare with some carefully sculpted and profoundly banterous lines with a lot of impact, like an extreme and sexual version of Twitter. As a rule, go for the sexual or the homosexual.
THE FULL WORKS: Got someone’s password? Express your love via a deep betrayal of their inner sphere and ‘like’ a pile of sites about cock (I’m still getting event invites to Ukrainian swingers’ parties after leaving myself logged in the library once last year). Fancy something more imaginative?
How’s about announcing an impromptu rap concert, to be performed in front of a live audience in their room (hopefully when everyone turns up, they’ll feel peer-pressured enough into actually doing it).
What about announcing their running for JCR President? Or making them a fan page about themselves? Remember, the more believable it is, the better it will be in the long run, so resist the temptation to make a “Coming Out/Returning To The Closet” event.
THE SNIPER: Who says you need to be logged in to inflict social agony on someone? Not Mark Zuckerberg. Turns out, you can make events (see above) and then make someone else admin, before renouncing your own privileges and making it look like they made it all along.
The ability to ‘tag’ people in posts also means that you can write salacious “quotes” from them. Anything taken from any one of the Mail’s columnists will do: @Name: “Working class? They’ve never done a day’s work in their whole bloody lives!” Watch the e-hatred unfold live on your newsfeed before they have a chance to log in and save themselves.
THE MACHIAVELLI: Make a very believable but very lame status along the lines of: “I had a lovely day in the sun today, thanks everyone!!” for the ‘top lad’. It will definitely result in them having to drink something horrendous like a Fairy Liquid-based pint at the next lads’ meeting.
But don’t just stick to Facebook in your quest to screw people over a little bit:
THE ESSAY: The twat next to you is going to beat you in all your papers because while you’ve been playing Angry Birds on your phone, he’s been working. As soon as he gets up, attempt some pre-emptive revenge via the Find and Replace tool on Word. His supervisor genuinely will be impressed that the word “the” has been replaced with “wankbuckets”, because they will understand the post-modern genius involved in challenging the concept of the essay anyway. Or, you could make their marks plummet by replacing all the commas with full stops, making it nigh on unreadable.
THE ROOM: Home is where the heart is, so screwing over someone’s room is like staking a vampire or something. It’s far more artistic than simple frape, so if you’re the creative type, this is the one for you. Be inventive about how you gain entry to their room, perhaps running to the porter’s lodge dressed only in a hand towel and slippers and using a daring “I lost my key and identity card in the shower” manoeuvre in order to get in and remove the slats holding up your mate’s mattress properly while he’s gone to the train station to pick up his long-term, long-distance girlfriend, leaving her to choke slam him through the bed when they arrive in a fit of passion. Or, make a shrine to someone they know but don’t know that well in the corner of their room and then publish photos of it on Facebook so it’s awkward the next day.
The article was funnier than frape itself.
these screenshots are hilariously bad. The firsts ones obviously just been done '2 minutes ago' and the second one shows that the user made the fairy liquid quote, ie you. Lame
Or he just got them off google images….
Nah, they're actually him.
Shit, you got me.
…for i have sinned.
When I gained access to my friend's FB, i explored (stalked) his acquaintances of the female persuasion. I then proceeded to the said females' profile pictures (efficient stalker).
Some have 30-40 profile pictures. Go through to about profile picture number 20-26, and "Like" some of these pictures.
This way, those females now think, having been notified of this opinion of the profile pictures number 20-26, my friend went through ALL her profile pictures like a proper pervert, and well and truly believe that he got bored and so went through her pictures…
many relationships have been destroyed this way…
my "friend" fraped me so hard my FB account was deleted by the administrators and i had to make a written formal representation begging them to reinstate me on the network.
Dear Facebook administrator,
My name is X; my date of birth is the Y and my login email address is Z@hotmail.com
I apologise for the fact that my facebook profile was deemed to have violated Facebook's statement of rights and responsibilites but this was not in fact my fault.
My facebook profile was left activated at a public terminal and unfortunately somebody else took it upon themselves to (according to my friends) vandalise my page, my friends' pages and tamper with my pictures to the extent they broke with your code.
I very much apologise for their behaviour, and I ask of you to reinstate my profile. This is the first time this has ever happened to me and there is a lot of information in my facebook account (such as messages, for example) that I need access to.
I eagery await a response and once again apologise on behalf of the crime's perpetrators for this misdemeanour.
Yours faithfully
X
this aint me
I fell in love with a girl i have never met before and who has never met me, or knows i even exist, having spent my life stalking fitties on facebook. she inadvertently got me through Easter Term, and makes my life worth living.
LLPJ
ur so lame
Poor effort with the blurring, we can see exactly who it is!
yea those massive bottlers know exactly who they are
no u
'What about announcing their running for JCR President'
Oh dear, and you go to Cambridge…
If running is being used as a gerund, 'their' is actually grammatically correct
It's a gerund. Mr Hector loves gerunds.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Gerund
boring grammer nazi
*grammar
you're an idiot – if it was meant to be they're, it should have been "what about announcing that they're (they are) running for JCR president?". the way it currently is, the 'running for JCR president' belongs to them, which makes perfect sense.
I bet you don't know who I am either.
Actually, 'running' is a noun in this case, hence the possessive is perfectly correct (e.g. 'forgive my being rude').
Either works, I think. Presumably he was using "running" as a gerund rather than adjectivally as a present participle, so "their" would also fit. "They're" would only be right if he was instead aiming for a contraction of "they are running", which he probably wasn't.
is correct, you wanktard.
Do we all really think this was meant to be a gerund?
yes.
Someone wouldn't let my friend borrow his lecture notes, so he spent 30 minutes deleting all his FB friends when he's left his account logged in
'like a pile of sites about cock'
no, that is not funny, do not do that
The essay: Find and replace "a" with "banana banana banana". Repeat 5-10 times, until their computer slows to a grinding halt.
Bower I'm going to make you drink fairy liquid next time we lash… out of a bottle
…but I can't be the only one who thinks reducing coming out to a joke is crude and offensive. Homosexuality is not a joke, you poofter.
Not particularly homophobic.
Just because he didn't make a joke about hacking into a gay persons facebook and posting a status about turning straight. Outrage about making heterosexuality a joke in that case? No.
PC police?
All frapes of this kind should be changed to "I'm gay, not that there's anything wrong with it."
you forgot the classic herpes rape (hrape). Send all people on the came course an email or even a few supervisors/DoS
Frape involving sexual references is not really humorous… it does not take a lot to shock and bring out laughter if you use a sexual joke. Inviting people to events is always a good one. My personal favourite is changing someone's birthday to a random day, so they start receiving birthday wishes out of the blue.
how very banterous of you
I got arrested!
I love the distinction between sexuality and homosexuality; and the jocular use of rape!
i clicked "remember password" when logging into facebook on my friend's laptop.
n00bston.
Not really a frape, but some people at my school set up a fake memorial page on FB announcing that someone was dead. Cue hordes of confused friends and relatives.