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Calorie Shockers

by Marcus Buck
on 4th March 2010

Where are all the fat people in Cambridge?

No seriously, where are they?

The Government tells us that 2 in every 5 adults in Britain are overweight, with a further 1 in 5 actually classed as obese. What's more, the statistics show that the number of obese people in the UK is rising, particularly among young adults (read: lazy students). Now I'm no mathmo, and I did do this calculation on my mobile phone, but if the number of students in Cambridge is 22,153 (according to the most recent census) then we should expect to see at least 8861 overweight students wandering around the faculties and libraries of this great city. But we don't; when was the last time you spotted a 'voluptuous' student in the queue for buttery?

What makes the mystery of the invisible 8861 fat students even more intriguing, however, is the amount of calories one can expect to consume on a standard night out in Cambridge. The itinerary below, which the average student could follow perhaps twice a week, is not at all unusual or extreme. But be warned: the numbers do not make comfortable reading.

Starting at the Mahal, that Chicken Korma (served as a strict 400g portion size, apparently) immediately clocks up 384 calories. It also represents 70% of your daily allowance of saturated fat, but we'll worry about that another time. Don't forget the rice (350 calories per serving), naan bread (297 calories), and a poppadom with mango chutney (85 calories, thank you very much). Total so far: 1116 calories.

Obviously the Mahal's popularity has nothing to do with its fine cuisine: we go because we can get lashed in public with an appalling lack of consequences. It's important to note, therefore, that alcohol can often be more of threat to your waistline than an curry – and let's be honest, how many people actually finish that Korma rather than hurling it at an unsuspecting fellow diner? Indeed, alcohol is often described as 'empty calories' simply because there is absolutely no nutritional value in booze other than providing energy. In other words, a pint of cider does not equate to one of your five a day. So by binge-drinking you effectively use up a block of your daily recommended calories without giving your body any of the nourishment it would usually expect from such an intake of food. For the record, the 'free' bottle of Kingfisher beer has 280 calories, and a bottle of white wine contains an average of 650 calories. Combined with the 1116 from before, you can expect to consume 2046 calories before even leaving the restaurant. The recommended daily limit for a woman is 2000 calories. Just so you know.

Anyway, let's move on from one Cambridge institution to another. I speak, of course, of Cindies and the student's drink of choice, an Apple V.K. My comprehensive research (asking the 3 girls who happened to be in my kitchen at 3pm on a Saturday afternoon) has revealed that the average number of V.Ks consumed in a Cindies shift is 'easily' five. Each bottle of apple-flavoured chemicals and sugar contains 65 calories. You could shave 4 calories off this by switching to V.K Blue but personally I wouldn't drink anything that resembles, both in smell and appearance, the toilet cleaner used by my bedder. So in the club you clock up an additional 325 calories. Better work it hard on the dancefloor…

Let's now fast forward to the morning after. Have you ever woken up, found an empty polystyrene tray on your desk, and asked out loud what possessed you to queue up at a trailer to be served cheesy chips by a Polish gentleman? Helpfully, the BBC Health website holds the answer: 'Alcohol weakens your willpower, tempting you to eat more than you planned'. No shit: the 345 calories in the cheesy chips (not forgetting the 90 calories added for the dollop of suspicious-looking mayo) was definitely a temptation I would have avoided if sober.

Finally, beware that the much-sought-after Gardies lollipop you were given in reward for flashing your tits at the proprietor contains 48 calories. So here's a little suggestion, again courtesy of the BBC Health website. Although not as sweet, you might want to consider swapping the lollipop for something a bit more natural: the average 'serving' of semen contains just 7 calories. Whoever said the BBC licence fee was wasted?

Thus the grand total for an average Wednesday night out in Cambridge is a stomach-turning 2854 calories!

Which prompts me to ask again: where are all the fatties? Have we discovered a new fad diet to rival that of Dr. Atkins? Or has it got something to do with the fact that Cambridge students are generally intelligent enough to realise that a sensible diet is about enjoying everything in moderation, not to mention the fact that we're always on the go?

It must be stressed that the calculations above are not to be taken as dietary advice. For a start, recommended calorie intake varies depending upon your gender and the amount of energy you use up in a day. Further advice, of course, is always available from your College nurse. But maybe avoid discussing the nutritional value of semen – leave that delicate task to the BBC health experts.

Sources:
www.bbc.co.uk
www.calorieking.com
www.nutracheck.co.uk
www.patient.co.uk
www.safeslimming.co.uk
www.sainsburys.co.uk

fatboy

March 5, 2010

Those VK calories are for 100ml, not a bottle. A VK Apple is actually 179 calories – and the orange one is 220! The total should be ~3500 calories, which is handily exactly the same as a pound of fat… And that's without mentioning the 5 or 6 pre-drink pints (193 in a pint of fosters) which you've missed…