I bliddy hate Valentine’s Day.

For couples, 14 February means grappling with the pressure of having to buy a meaningful present and/or card. For lone-rangers (onesies, singletons…) it means feeling condescended or nauseous for 24 hours straight, and having to avoid restaurants.

That said, as a foodie, I do appreciate the fact that the day provides a sort-of excuse to buy, cook and consume food said to have aphrodisiac powers. Moreover, the majority of these foodstuffs (asparagus, chocolate and chilli for instance) are dashed easy to work with, needing hardly any transformation at all.

So don’t hate on Valentine this Tuesday – get your booty down to Sainsbury’s, or M&S if you’re in the dollar, and buy some plated sex. Below are three recipes based on aphrodisiac ingredients that are guaranteed to get your blood pumping and your mouth working. Melted chocolate also has other uses…

Sexy strawbs

Spices, specifically vanilla and nutmeg, are believed to increase lust.

In two separate bowls, melt two bars of milk and white chocolate until glossy. Add three drops of vanilla extract to the white mixture, and a pinch of nutmeg to the milk chocolate. Dip the strawberries in, ensuring they are quite coated. Cool in the fridge.

Perfect for pre-coital peckishness

Nutty-nutty sauce

Nuts are very high in selenium, which according to Rosie Norman, a training dietician at Kings College London, “ensures baby sperm are shielded from oxidative damage and helps mature sperm to be strong and mobile.” Hooray!

For the sauce, pour some brazil nuts into a mug and crush with a rolling pin. Add a tablespoon of golden syrup, a dash of cream, some peanut butter, and chocolate. Melt in the microwave. Pour over banana loaf.

Save this one for a sexy day

 Asparagus frittata

Boil three asparagus stalks still soft. Fry a chopped onion. Whip two eggs, a dash of cream, pesto and chopped tomato. Pour over the onion and add the asparagus stalks. Fry until firm.

Spot the asparagus

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