We’ve been thinking it for a while, but the release of the X Factor charity single has given us reason to believe it. If the shocking autotuning weren’t enough, (It’s) JLS and One Direction pop up to make the message clearer than Ofcom’s rules on product placement: none of this year’s contestants will have a music career after the show.
I’m not going to have another rant about the lack of ability on this series, because at this stage in the competition that simply isn’t the case. The Guilty Pleasures/Heroes theme brought out some of the best vocal performances seen so far, but also an alarming lack of star quality. Quite simply, none of the acts have that elusive X Factor: the looks, personality, and the character… and talent.
Don’t get me wrong, Marcus, Amelia and likely winners Little Mix can all do the singing good, but none of them are pop stars. As Marcus pranced around stage singing Shane Ritchie’s biggest hit, all I could see was, well, Shane Ritchie. The last remaining boy is sweet, and evidently very popular, but he does not have a future in music. He is this year’s Olly Murs, and will no doubt go on to TV presenting and occasional gigs with The Muppets.
Then again, old Marcus did do what I’ve been telling him and sang a slow tempo owwww Stevie Wonder number, Lately. Stevie is blind, but for the opening of this rendition Marcus was tone deaf. He salvaged it by the end, but he’ll always be more comfortable high fiving Gary from the judges’ desk.
I don’t want to use this column as a smear campaign against Amelia Lily (not enough people read it), but by Cheryl I’ll try. Gold-faced Amelia is very good at shouting in tune, even when she does bottle it on the high notes to Since U Been Gone, but she doesn’t have that raw talent to make it as an artist. Everything is so robotic, and there is about as much warmth to her performances as a girl’s night in with Kelly and Tulisa. She must be eliminated next week. Everybody in Cambridge (but only in Cambridge, mind) pick up your phones, and throw them out the window.
Argh no, Oi left the potatoes on!
It is looking very likely that Little Mix will win the whole damn thing, and this seems like an incongruous end to what has been an incongruous series. But my word, are they getting some help on their way to the final. Ever since the group was formed, the judges and the production team have done everything in their power to ensure that the girlband are the most successful group since The Kandy Sluts.
So far this has consisted of footage of the blonde one burping, reactions to hate mail and that bit where they all did that funny tooth face. This week took an even more transparent tone as we saw the girls on the radio discussing, like, issues and shit about da yoof and tings before singing Christina Aguilera’s Beautiful. Their performance transported me back to Year 8 discos where girls would burst into tears at Xtina’s subtle poetry, but I left with a feeling that, although I like The Little Moofins, there is not much of a future out there for them outside of charity singles with Dappy.
I am still convinced that the only act with any chance of success is Misha B(adonkadonk), and Gaz Baz revealed as much when he said that her dancehall-inspired version of Girls Just Wanna Have Fun showed her planning for 2012. Misha could make albums of all the good stuff that Rihanna has sacrificed in favour of sucking people’s cockiness and getting them in turn to lick her persuasion, and I’ll be first in line to buy them.
If Little Mix got all the support of the production team, then this week’s eliminated rubbish Janet Devlin was left to fend for herself. It was clear that over the past weeks the judges had lost interest in Janet, and as a result her confidence waned and she didn’t really look that bovvered about the show. At least she gave the public an easy decision this time, messing up the ‘lyrics’ to Hanson’s MMMBop and then showing us how edgy and alternative she is yah by singing a song by a small indie band called Red Hot Chilli Peppers. Nah, I’ve never heard of them either, but I’ll reckon they’ll be big in Europe or whatever.
PS: Note the titles to the X Factor links I post here. Don’t worry about Kelly Rowland, if anyone needs to do their job properly it’s whoever is in charge of this YouTube channel. ‘Lately Marcus Collins has been on stage’? ‘Janet lights up her hometown’? ‘Little Mix let their vocals out’? What else are they expected to do?!
"Marcus, Amelia and likely winners Little Mix can all sing good"
well*
Nothing to report, over.
"Out" not "over"
What about Homerton Eusden?
What indeed?
Homerton Eusden is being voted into the show in another BIG TWIST, apparently.
They cannot sing. Only the blonde one can sing; she's actually quite good. The rest of them can barely manage to screech in unison; whenever you hear a "harmony" it's her singing it, as not one of the others could manage it. They're the next S Club (Jo) or Spice Girls (whichever one of those harpies could fucking sing). They're awful. I hate them.
'Harmonies' can't be sung by one person.
Rob, I enjoy your account of the show, but there are several areas upon which you could improve:
1) Appreciate Cockiness. It's a really good song.
2) Little Mix have only become the producers darlings because of a surge in public support, not the other way around.
3) Olly Murs, far from 'not having a future in music', has had a number one single already this year (away from the fanfare of the X Factor) and is looking like he'll be number one in the album charts this week, and number two in the singles charts.
Cheers mate.