Sex, if you’re doing it right, should be noisy. Moans, banging and squelching. These things are: a) occasionally embarrassing to make in front of your partner and b) always embarrassing to make in front of your neighbours. No one wants to get coffee in the gyp the next day when your neighbours have heard your O-noises and what exactly you like to stick where and how hard.
This brings us to the most useful feature of iTunes: the sex playlist. Your neighbours will think you like late night dancing and your partner will be awed by just how cool your music tastes are and just how hot your moves are. There are many dos and don’ts with the sex-list though, so here is The Tab’s handy guide:
Turn up the volume
1) Make sure you cater to your audience. If you’re shagging a girl in massive trainers wearing bling, then maybe don’t show off your Metallica based hate-fuck. If you’re fucking anyone under 55, then don’t think you can woo her with Barry White. If in doubt, stick to a just-off-of-mainstream mix of indie and dance.
2) Don’t go too adventurous unless you really fancy a challenge. The standard boom-boom-boom dance beat provides an excellent humping rhythm. Avoid off-beat bebop jazz unless you into a very a avant-garde sexual tempo. Go for multiple 2-3 minute songs, it’ll make her feel like you lasted longer, and stop her getting bored. As good as Floyd’s Echoes is, cumming half way through the song will be humiliating.
3) Keep it light. Sex is (mostly) fun, so keep it jovial. As big a Thom Yorke fan as I am, I’d still find it a real test to maintain an erection through many of his tracks. This is the way with music: good music tends to be bad for sex. If you have sex to Cash’s Hurt you wont seem like a sensitive soul; you’ll seem like a rapist. But don’t go too jolly; putting on The Jonas Brothers also has far too much of a sex offender vibe.
4) Don’t ever use shuffle. Put the effort in to make an actual playlist, you lazy arse. Shuffle can produce unpredictable results that can really ruin the moment. No one wants an Alain de Botton podcast trying to stimulate your brain whilst you’re trying to stimulate an erogenous zone. I had shuffle on earlier and the Star Wars theme tune came on. It would be absolutely impossible to not pretend that your penis is a light sabre in this situation. I’ve checked, and this is not sexy.
5) Give it a coy name like ‘night tunes’ or ‘good time songs’. Don’t call it ‘Dave’s dirty shag mix,’ or ‘tracks to get her wet.’ There are of course points for puns and double entendres. Some suggestions: ‘I can feel ME coming in the air tonight,’ ‘Wet Wet Wet,’ or ‘time for: The Strokes.’ These are poor. Feel free to do better below, and the reward will be your own smug sense of satisfaction.
There we go, print off this handy guide and go forth to shag in aural bliss.
Illustration by Olivia Vane
This is obscene.
It was original and quite funny
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=c7O91GDWGPU
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CGBDWER-wUI&fe…
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MK6TXMsvgQg
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YgynbFoA9to
Even better if you go for all four at once…
Challenge accepted.
i love playing music while enjoying myself naked with other men
Long, long odds on that one.
pipe down juan
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YD592Gmy6Jo
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2tPL_gOYd8k
NEVER SHUFFLING AGAIN
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jcBPPD1fuZY
vile
Is this the kind of thing you had in mind? tinyurl.com/moodkill
Hello Dave.
I thought your article was nuanced, introspective and thoughtful. It was a shame to read that you don't think that angst-filled Indie makes for a good fuck, as some of my best times undressing ladies have been had to the sweet apocalyptic sounds of Muse's Butterflies & Hurricanes. There's nothing quite like the feeling that the sun might explode tomorrow to speed the transition from friend to Friend.
Sexy Noises Turn Me On- Salt'N'Pepa
You mean NIN's Hurt, covered by Cash, surely?
but the original is shit. It's Cash's song.
No it isn't. And no it isn't. Cash's cover is great (maybe better), but it just isn't his song. He's barely even rearranged it. How can someone have such contrasting views to two very very very similar songs.
You haven't actually heard them both have you?
Yes he does, but don't call him Shirley.
Late at night, evil dick he wakes me up he says: Don't sleep alone, don't sleep alone. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CZHkkLBOrvE
Hi. I'm terrified of sex!!
and always have sex to live music so you get an applause at the end
But my room's a bit small to fit a live band into. And I don't like people watching.
For a more realistic view of the music of love: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZnHmskwqCCQ
The Birdie Song
Doctor Who theme music (original)
Channel 4 News theme
633 Squadron theme
The Wurzels – Combine Harvester
HOW HAS THE WEEKND NOT FEATURED? YOU MAD?
Thursday, the ultimate sex song.
On another note, at least David looks like exactly the kind of guy us men need sex music tips from.
Cheers Dave, really top bloke.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lQlIhraqL7o&ob…
I have sex to recordings of my cat's meow.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dQw4w9WgXcQ
The only sex song is Barry White's 'Im going to love you just a little bit more baby'. It is positively indecent. Pure aural pornography.
you've clearly never had sex…
The Magic Roundabout
I think everyone needs to experience this gem…
http://open.spotify.com/album/3ChMNC79uWOejIaZBZ1…
For a start, this is an article wholly written under the premise: sex sells. But the thing is, if my boyfriend and I were getting it on and I suddenly stopped to open up itunes, he'd think it was all a bit weird. I'd think it was all a bit weird. I really don't think most people need mood music. Pumping one's hips in time to the music? Sexay… not.
No, he wouldn't think you weird. You would just be another iPod zombie, plugged in to the "soundtrack of your life" while oblivious to your surroundings.
Yes, I think he's always wanted to shag a zombie actually…
Of course it's weird!! The way you put it makes it doubly weird.