I made my New Year’s resolutions in October. Somewhat premature perhaps, but for those of us who wearily tread the beaten track of studenthood this is when the year really begins. I packed my case vowing to dominate all work, go to the gym, increase my anti-oxidant levels, learn Mandarin, write a novella, practice Kabbalah, revamp my entire wardrobe and bag a super-hot new boyfriend.
How to begin this period of unadulterated excellence? Return early of course, and hit the UL. Alas, fast-forward one week and the demon Facebook informs me the ex has entered a new relationship. I hit Sainsbury’s bakery, and I hit it hard. Arrive best friend. She takes one look at my jam-smeared visage and suggests a different course of action.
“Let’s dye your hair!”
Absent-mindedly selecting a seventeenth biscuit from my heavily depleted tin, it takes a while for the notion to sink in, but sink in it does and I’m fully on board. The colour choice is quickly made – I am to be transformed into the blondest of bombshells. I will channel Marilyn, Charlize, Gwyneth, and a new lease of life will ensue.
I make my merry way down to Boots and select the most dangerous-looking platinum blonde hair-dye I can find, which is applied expertly by best friend that evening. Finally the alarm goes and I leap into the shower, ridding myself of the more-burny-than-tingly sensation assailing the skin around my hairline. I was not new to this game, having already dyed my hair red pre-summer.
Returning to my room with a towel turban around my head, it’s time for the long-awaited Big Reveal.
“Oh wow! It’s er…it’s really interesting!”
It was not interesting. It was orange. In my haste I had forgotten what I was taught at primary school. What do you get when you mix red and yellow? My new and supposedly improved hair had bypassed the ranks of the Christina Hendricks sexpot ginge and was partly clinging to red, largely orange, and even a tiny bit blonde in places. I was less Scarlett Johansson, more Ginny Weasley; less Gwen Stefani, more Tim Burton’s mad hatter. The XXL Live Colour promised me on the box had turned into an XXL Living Nightmare. Because after all, I’m worth it.
So this January, I plan to shun all resolutions except those which are easy to keep, and I suggest you do the same. Let’s increase our levels of alcohol consumption, superstition, procrastination and saturated fats, read less, eat more and stop exercising. Happy 2012.
I liked neither the article nor your hair.
I'm looking forward to next weeks' account of when she died it again to get rid of the orange…
Or maybe she'll get inventive and tell us about doing her nails. Or putting lipstick on. Or cleaning her teeth.
I'll be snoozing in anticipation all week.
dyed?
Urm?
this article is fine but more tingly than burny….
this. Best Tab columnist by far.
or just sarcasm
sarcastic.
Going for 100 Alchemy myself
So was she, but then she got an arrow to-
Nope, can't bring myself to do it.
Fabulous work Lucy. Was laughing aloud, you beaut. X
Why? It wasn't funny.
Who could this Mr Glitter be? Is he…. fabulous?
ololololololol
Loved your take on NY resolutions, good intentions always, can so relate to that!
Great piece a future columnist in the making no doubt!
you could have shortened this article to
'i dyed my hair'
and i could have shortened this comment to
'i don't care'
but neither of us did.
Your picture looks like it's been photoshopped in paint, was there an error in uploading it?
bit rude…
It's Photoshop man! You're back! The comment section has been missing your phenomenal chat.
Your friend the grammar Nazi is still around, but I'm afraid Poét has departed.
I'm still here!
We were all so worried – I almost thought you might actually have gone to do some training of some kind
sexpot ginge.
this is really nice. tab collumnists always feel they need to be shocking. nice change.
Just a slight variation on the theme
Any relation?
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wtF3_ybJJ50
Came here to make that exact comment.
Didn't even read the article.
The hair is a bit of an odd colour.
Your face is nice though.
I would have helped you dye your hair, but I was busy with U21s training
Your hair is a lovely colour. I just find it a shame you choose to dye your roots.
the fuck cares?
LUCY BUTTERYTITS.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wtF3_ybJJ50
if it is, she can chomp on my pork cylinder any time.
"Alas, fast-forward one week and the demon Facebook informs me the ex has entered a new relationship. I hit Sainsbury’s bakery, and I hit it hard."
You won't get a new man that way, unless you were sharpening those sandwich preparation skills
"which is applied expertly by best friend"
Miss out words, in attempt to emulate popular chick lit character's diary writing style, fail at task in hand.
Great new columnist! And interesting that comments posted by those with a supposedly above average intellect have such a non-existant sense of humour. Roll on Week 2.
It makes me sad how everyone just likes to criticise people.
I enjoyed the article a lot and just wish people appreciated the skill in making good writing out of little events as opposed to rubbish writing about big events.
Nice work and well done actually bothering to do something like this unlike, and i’m guessing here, most of the people who commented.
Better than Uncle Pumblechook's bread and butter pudding. Loved it, Lucy!
What great times this article has reminded me of! Better than those times betwixt you and me at the old anwil, Pip!
Pure smut, this.
I love Lucy Butterfeld