Here on The Tab we love a good arse. 

The boys had their turn. You voted and you chose the winner. HARRY from Tit Hall had Adonian arsecheeks.

Now it’s the girls’ go. Who has the ravishing rear? Who’s got the best bum? It’s up to you.

Happy voting.

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LEILA

Leila is a self-confessed frotteurist and loves nothing more than rubbing her bosoms on the smooth sand-blasted doors of Emmanuel College. “It’s the thrill of being caught that really gets me going” she says.

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Bella has requested that her profile be removed.

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Elizabeth has asked the her profile be removed.

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Meredith has asked the her profile be removed.

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LYNETTE

Every May Lynette attends the German Fetish Ball Weekend in Berlin. She describes her outfit as a “dark-elf dominatrix” and swears that she can make any man “snivel and cry like a pussy.”

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There they are. Five lovely bums for your consideration. Use your vote wisely in our poll down below.

UPDATE: 

A further bomb scare occurred at Downing today.

No-one was evacuated, but the gates were locked and students advised to remain alert. The atmosphere was generally calm.

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UPDATE: 

There have been two more bomb scares this afternoon, at Girton and Churchill. 

Students working in Girton library were told that the University received an email this morning naming Girton as a college that has been targeted by the hoax.

“We were advised to take our bags with us when we leave the library, and the librarians keep wandering around doing checks. But no one’s at all concerned,” said Sophie Cavanagh, a third year Girton geographer.

Students at other colleges have been emailed evacuation plans, should the situation develop.

More details to follow.

If you hear any more information, please email news@cambridgetab.co.uk

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UPDATE: 

There has a been a third bomb scare in three days, with King’s evacuated this morning.

Shortly after 9am this morning the university security centre received a call claiming to have planted a bomb inside King’s, but after an evacuation and 45 minutes of searching students and staff were allowed to return after nothing was found, and police confirmed it was being treated as a hoax.

Speaking to The Tab the university said: “No devices were found. No members of the public were on site at the time as King’s Chapel has not opened for the day yet”.

The University Communications officer did admit that a link seemed “likely” between the three events but that it was a matter for the police.

A police spokesman told us that the threat was thought to be part of a series of national hoaxes and told us they were ‘not too worried’: ”This is being investigated as part of a series of hoaxes and students should not be concerned.”

Eva Nisse, a first year PPS student at Kings, told The Tab the mood was generally one of indifference.  ‘The main question on everyone’s minds was “Is this the usual fire alarm and when can I get back to my toast?”‘

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UPDATE: 

Speaking to The Tab, University Communications Officer Tim Holt confirmed that the bomb scare at Clare was a hoax after a full security sweep was conducted.

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UPDATE:

All sites at Clare have now been reoccupied. In an email to all Clare students, steward Mick Petty explained: “the perceived threat was reported to the authorities at Clare by the University Security Control Centre who had received email traffic indicating a security threat to both Clare College and Hughes Hall”.

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UPDATE:

Clare College has been evacuated following a bomb scare on all three of its sites at around 11am this morning. Residents of the Colony on Chesterton Lane have been evacuated to Jesus Green whilst those in Old Court have been directed to the Fellows’ Garden.

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UPDATE:

Students have been emailed informing them that they are now allowed back into the site. Melissa Reilly, the Teaching Administrator said in the email that ‘the site is now open and freely accessible.’

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The New Museums Site has been evacuated after a bomb hoax in the CUSU offices.

The Tab spoke to Clare second year, David Byrne. “The general mood was one of concern but not fear. People seemed more annoyed than afraid. Most people thought it was probably a hoax – a Trenton-Oldfield-style disruption to studies.”

Thirty people were evacuated from the Old Examination Hall and the Earth Science Laboratory at 2pm in a hoax that mimicked the spree of scares from other Russell Group universities.

I’ve heard people (lazy people) say that the key to exam term is getting enough sleep. They are wrong. The key to exam term is stimulants, five times a day.

We at The Tab have had our writers put their health at risk and sample a whole smorgasbord of energy drinks for your benefit. Regrettably we couldn’t find any ‘Powerthirst‘ but we did manage to dredge up some pretty gnarly stuff.

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Blue Bolt by Sainsbury’s – Nick Sinclair

Cost: 50p a can

Rating: 3/10

Bouquet: The poor man’s red bull, you would be ill advised to have a go at sniffing blue bolt. I can only describe the smell as ‘morning after sleeping bag’ when you’ve been at the vodka Red Bulls the night before and have been sweating concentrated taurine through the night.

Body:  In the cold light of day Blue Bolt looks like your urine on the third day of Reading fest: heavily dehydrated and stale. It doesn’t really taste of anything; perhaps there’s a hint of sherbet or a giant urinal mint, but mostly it’s just sugar.

Effect: With 27.3 g of sugar all I wanted to do was brush my teeth immediately after drinking the stuff, before my mouth became a bloody mess of corroded stumps.

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Relentless (Apple and Kiwi Flavour) – Laura Grayling 

Cost: a 500ml can costs  £1 on the current Sainsburys’ deal.

Rating: 6/10

Bouquet: My first thought was chemistry experiment on grounds of the overpowering scent of chemicals. It resembles a cleaning product rather than a beverage.

Body: Here lies its redeeming feature – that is if you’ve ever craved a pulverised pick and mix. Think skittles and sour laces rolled in into one tantalising turquoise can. It would appeal to anyone whose taste buds haven’t left the playground.

Effect: Slightly elevated heart beat and the feeling you (hopefully) haven’t experienced since the age of 12 of having utterly gorged yourself on sugar. Relentless is a sweet shop in canned form, so my first instinct was to regress back into childhood and build a fort. This may not be productive for revision.

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Pussy – Harry Shukman

Rating: 3/10

Cost:£1.30

Bouquet: Imagine the smell of heavily-cleaned institution toilets and you’re close.

Body: The makers have muffed the taste. The milk thistle, schizandra and siberian ginseng combine for a clammy taste and a follow-up kick of fruits de mer.

Effect: Pussy is marketed as a 100% natural energy drink with interesting herbs and stimulating taste. I drank a few Pussies in the library like the smug bastard that I am. I didn’t notice much effect other than a smelly aftertaste. The Tab received a free sample of Pussy, but I definitely wouldn’t pay for it. Don’t judge books by their covers or Pussies by their cans.

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Monster – Poppy Damon

Rating: 7/10

Cost: £1.39

Body: A full bodied citrus experience, which leaves a distinctly medicinal aftertaste.

Bouquet: Inhaling the delectable syrup through my nose was much like clearing the nostrils with a very strong kitchen cleaner: strangely refreshing if not potentially fatal.

Effect: After checking out its website boasting 90s images of skaters and personalities such as ‘Wee man’, I was not expecting great things. But this drink is not monstrously overpriced and is surprisingly delicious. I certainly wasn’t doing any ‘Ollies’ or ‘sweet jumps’ on my inline skates whilst wearing a Blink182 T-shirt, as the website would suggest, but I was probably more awake than I was before I had consumed the juicy nectar.

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OKF Alcohol Doctor Hangover Tea, Alcohol Solution Drink 86 System Natural – Tom Bateman

Cost: £1.18

Rating: 3/10 (to recognise the audacity of making an onion-flavoured drink)

Bouquet: Journeying to the Korean shop on Mill Road, I discovered ‘Alcohol Doctor’, an incredible drink from the Orient that promises to combat the effects of over-indulgence by harnessing the awesome power of ’18 kinds fruits and vegetable’. When it transpired that the vegetable was onion, I knew I had to try it. The aroma that greeted me upon opening the can was one of mixed appeal. While I accept that for some the combination of Red Bull and compost will excite the senses, all it did for me was trigger my gag reflex, and not in a good way.

Body:   Unfortunately it just looked and tasted like a glass of muddy piss.

Effect: I can’t say I felt particularly energised after drinking my can of ‘Alcohol Doctor’. Maybe it was my fault, I probably ought to have been drunk for it to work as advertised. Perhaps I simply never got over the small print on the can that said ‘Oral Toxicity Analysis Certified’.

Hopefully our brave testers have informed your decision on which energy drink you want to have diffusing from your pores for the next month. Now, pick up a multipack and hunker down. Exams are coming.

Last week The Tab got political with a Fit Councillor special.

It’s that time again. The columnists for Easter 2012 have arrived. 

This term, we’re doing it a little differently. Old hands are returning alongside brand new faces: two of The Tab‘s most popular columnists are back.

This crack team will be guiding you through the tough times ahead. They’ll soon be your new best Tab friends.

ALEX BOWER

Psyched out by the interesting and creative people he’s working with on his Year Abroad placement in an advertising agency in Moscow, Alex has developed a complex about being boring and is desperately trying to rectify that.

When he’s not coming up with frankly silly ideas to sell dandruff shampoo and watered-down fruit juice, Alex can be found comically misunderstanding Russian people and being comically misunderstood by those same Russian people over a plate of the Russian food he has come to despise so passionately.

Check The Tab tomorrow for Alex’s first column.

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JAMES MITCHELL

James Mitchell, a student rapidly approaching his mid-twenties and hailing from one of the more obscure colleges, claims to be in a unique position to understand the problems facing both undergraduates and postgraduates.

In common with most postgraduates, James has already spent three years ‘studying’ at university – but, as yet, has not managed successfully to complete a single year of any undergraduate course.

Check The Tab on Wednesday for James’ first column

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EVIE PRICHARD

READ Evie’s first column here. Evie will be writing fortnightly.

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ANNA ISAAC

The Tab‘s poet laureate, Anna Isaac, is back after a belter of a first term.

Anna scribbles about things you might have thought but have too great a sense public of shame to share.

Whet your appetite, or yourself, as she bursts through embarrassment straight into humiliation and truth. Pack a spare pair of knickers and jump aboard the good ship cringe! Oh, wait, that rhymes with something…

READ Anna’s column here. Anna will be writing fortnightly.

All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy. And if The Shining taught us anything, it was that working all the time will make you try to murder children.

So since you can’t spend all your time crying over the work you should have done during the year, wipe those tears and give some of these events a try. Before the revision truly takes over.

The 2012 Golden Festival: Yokazura Party – 5th May

This is definitely the biggest event happening in Cambridge before the May week festivities kick off. With an Asahi beer bar, sake and plum wine, the Union offers all Cambridge students the chance to get boozy, Oriental style. It’s not all about the alcohol though; other attractions include a NintenDisco and food from YO! Sushi.

At £7 for members and £10 for others, the event seems good value for money. And if you weren’t already convinced, money will be raised for a fantastic cause: Akemi Solloway’s Aid For Japan.

Varsity Trip Summer Launch Night – 10th May

Life plays host to the ski extravaganza’s launch. Without doubt the best way to think you’re imagining exam term and it’s really Michaelmas. Expect new Varsity 2012 freebies, themed drinks, the launch of their new website and the release of ticket prices and the all-important location. CUTV are covering the event, so you may also get the chance to embarrass yourself in front of the student community- always a bonus.

White Noise – 12th May

If you’re still wanting to go out by this point, you’re either a) a genius b) an idiot c) a first year humanities student.

So if you’re in need of something a bit more raucous to break the mid-exam tedium of the ‘Bridge, check out this all night rave at the Junction. Described as ‘a bass fuelled punt up the derriere’, you can expect Co2 cannons, lasers, blinding strobe lights and bass lines you can feel reverberate through your body. Oh, and there’s also a 20ft ball pit: guaranteed chaos. Don’t plan any work for the next day…

In our first competition of the term, wanna-be student councillors fight it out. Check out our interviews with them here.

UPDATE:  The winner is Katie Kibbler with “sausage shop for Murray Edwards”.   Both “entertaining and accurate” she receives a pair of free tickets from the ball committee.

Seriously. Just describe Fitz in 5 words.

Fitz will be transformed into a Narnian Winter Wonderland on 29^th November. To win two free tickets (worth £78 each) and Turkish delight galore, get as creative as you can. Comment your best attempts below BUT make sure to leave your email address so we can get in touch! Competition closes Thursday 3rd May.

More info can be found at www.fitzball.com

And so it’s time for the big one: the White Knuckle experience. Whilst Easter Term 2012 proves to be much like your local Big Dipper in many ways – seat belts advised, no pregnant women, vomit to be expected – it does require slightly more forward planning. So The Tab asks students what they will be packing this term to ward off the physical and emotional decay…

A Bunny  (Katie Kibbler)

According to  hopperhome.com  ‘rabbits also communicate through a variety of ways such as stomping a hind leg, grunting, honking/oinking softly, grooming each other, etc.’ When times get tough in the library, take a leaf out of Thumper’s book and indulge in a bit of rabbit-inspired rumpy. Stomp up to your desired bookworm. Grunt. Hop nearer. Honk softly into their hair. Groom him/her. Go at it. Like rabbits.

We ain’t nothing but mammals 

A Decent Shag Pile  (Ben Dalton)

Much of exam term will be spent on the floor. Be this the floor of the library, the college urinals or your bedroom you will be doing similar movements on each: lying face down, weeping into the close-up, dust-mite infested blur. So I’m packing a friendly, padded surface upon which to do this: my best best shag pile. Also, if you decide to entertain guests on your floor, a shag pile allows for the cosy novelty feeling of picnicking on a large dog.

A Poster of Titanic (Hattie Peachey)

This term I will be bringing with me a titanic poster of the Titanic. I don’t mean a gurning Kate and Leo with an ominous bow looming over them. I mean one that tells it as it is. Then, when it gets really bad and I feel like I’m being pulled under shouting “Iceberg!”, I can comfort myself with a cliché – worst things do, indeed, happen at sea.

For those in peril…

A Deckchair (John Bardsley)

My exam essential has to be the humble deckchair. I’m lucky enough to have a balcony in my accommodation, so this gem could serve as a handy outdoor revision tool. Scientific studies (my own) have proven that people work better in fresh air and you might get a sneaky tan in as well. Cambridge has a great variety of greenery, so at some point in the next eight weeks a deckchair has to have its moment.

A Signed Photo of Gareth Gates (Tabatha Leggett)

Exam term is tough, and the UL is a confusing place. It’s all too easy to get lost in the North Wing and simultaneously lose sight of who you really are. That’s why, this exam term, I’m taking my signed photograph of Gareth Gates to Cambridge. I’ll carry it with me wherever I go in order to remind myself that however tough exams might be, however unpleasant revision is, and however mental everyone around me may become, I have the love of Gareth. And that’s all I really need.

An inspirational (Pop) Idol 

A Sprig of Mint (Henrietta Kelly)

This multipurpose shrub is an invaluable investment for Easter Term. It keeps your room smelling Listerine fresh and has the added benefit of being a mild sedative, counteracting the inevitable caffeine shakes.  It settles stomachs and aids digestion, a perfect remedy for those plagued with nervous flatulence. And when exams are a distant memory and May Week is upon us, there should be enough left over for Pimms on the lawn. Ideal.

So there you have it. You’ve borne witness to the counsels, and you’d be darned foolish not to take them on board.

Now, get stretching that suitcase, and find a good patch of travel-soil for that mint sprig. Good luck everyone… we’re going in. 

Thanks to everyone who entered our 21 Jump St competition to win an oversized Sony 3DTV. Here are the four best entries - whoever gets the most votes wins the prize.

Charlie Draper whipped some unidentified red-wearers into formation at the Senate House.

Craig Slade sent us this elaborately photoshopped image of King’s lawn getting the 21 treatment.

Rob Hall wasn’t sheepish with this submission.

Rory Carter and Karim Amijee had 21 different bites at the cherry.

www.youtube.com/watch?v=w5duUSHWjWg

So, pick your favourite and get voting: