Clare Comedy, 28th February

I didn’t even know Clare Comedy existed before a friend of mine told me he’d be performing (that’s right I only review things my friends are in; I’m fucking lazy alright) and that’s probably the attitude of the majority of you people. Well that’s a shame because, last night at least, it was very good. Even if I did overhear one of the acts in the toilets come out with possibly the best recommendation I’ve ever heard from someone actually in said show, he described the evening as “a good, cheap night this; apparently we get Gardies after as well”. Only in fucking Cambridge.

Following the usual formula of student comics followed by a professional headliner, Clare departed only slightly from the norm by having two intervals, which in my opinion slightly disrupted the flow. But it was a long show and that’s some really poor criticism right there. The rest of the show was very good, as I can tell from the bunch of screwed-up post-it notes I used as notes; I’m getting good at this. I particularly enjoyed the plentiful jokes pushing the envelope between being funny and totally insulting. So on that theme we’ll move on to my favourite Asians.

First up Phil Wang, it’s been said before it’ll be said again – by proper reviewers in ten years time – Phil Wang is great. So great that people laugh at his mere name. In addition to his superb ukulele performance, he did an excellent bit about how TCS is a fucking rag (his description may have been slightly wittier). A lot of student comics struggle to get one laugh per routine, the first time they perform it. Wang gets great barrels of spunk-filled laughs (sorry it was a juvenile night) every time he performs; even though the Cambridge comedy scene is so motherfucking insular every other audience member could do his routine. Speaking of rip-offs, enter Ken Cheng. Also Asian, also following the one syllable per name rule, also pant-wettingly funny. His routine on the unsexy nature of being a professional poker player was excellent, with some superb misdirection leading to some very funny punch lines. If Cambridge keeps unearthing the likes of these two, humour might actually replace mathematical ability as the go-to Asian stereotype.

While those two were the highlights of the student comics, there were also some very funny if much more patchy acts preceding them. I particularly liked Jamie Mathieson’s routine, which was clever and intelligently paced. There was also some enjoyable ukulele work from Leo Davidson. The headliner was Steve Hall, who was apparently in a BBC3 sketch show called “We are Klang”; which he himself described as shit, probably quite accurately. However, as a stand-up he was pretty funny, with some particularly good stuff on his father, and he managed to fill the last hour pretty well.

It wasn’t all good, however, some of the acts sadly resorted to the usual comedy stereotypes used to fill space in which the best acts will elaborate on a theme or wow you with some particularly brilliant observation. My pet hate is mocking where you’re from, please find something better guys, it’s lazy and you can only ride a good accent so far. Moreover, the use of random jumping between subjects to get a laugh always grates with me; I like my stand-up to be a bit smoother than that. There was also some kind of banshee pig being right-royally skull-fucked behind me (fat girl laughing) which for some reason somewhat spoiled the show for me. I’m looking for things to nit-pick though; for a show filled with comedy first-timers, it was excellent. There’ll be one next term, so I recommend you break up the monotonous horror of exam term with some comedy; unless you’re a finalist, in which case you’ll be too busy looking like death warmed up and crying. Oh well, that’s pretty much my entire life.

It’s only been an hour since I finished watching this film and already I’ve gone through several different reviews in my head. The problem with Peter Jackson’s adaptation is that bits of it are good, very good. However, unfortunately Jackson was unable to rein in his usual cinematic flourishes and in the end the result, while good, is sadly disappointing.

Whilst the scenes set on Earth are satisfying and often suitably poignant for a film about the rape and murder of a fourteen year old girl, the scenes set in Heaven are atrocious. In point of fact it’s not actually Heaven, it’s the “in-between” world where souls that are not quite ready to let go of Earth reside, allowing our dead girl (and by extension the viewer) to watch her family wallow in grief. Jackson seems to think this allows him to make it look like the inside of a sixties snow globe, it’s all special effects, playful make-up and psychedelic versions of the Northern Lights. Bearded knob. This twee, saccharine vision is the setting for some really crappy scenes which, often interspersed with real world scenes, ruin the entire pacing and mood of the movie. This is not all Jackson’s fault, Alice Sebold’s 2002 novel on which the film is based was able to handle these scenes far more successfully simply because the medium allowed for a far more rounded development of such an idea.
   
The drama on earth is thankfully far better. Sensitive performances from Rachel Weisz and even “Marky” Mark Wahlberg allow the viewer to feel the distraught parents’ grief naturally without turning the film into a pantomime. Indeed, it is the intelligent performances that keep the film moving, in the face of a rather leaden script. This is especially true of Susan Sarandon’s role as the booze-swilling grandmother who arrives to hold the grief-stricken family together. Sarandon performs miracles with some very thin material, adding an element of comedy and fun to an otherwise largely depressing film; and the audience would have benefitted from more of her. Saoirse Ronan, her of the dyslexic’s wet dream, is excellent in a difficult role as Susie, the owner of the Lovely Bones of the title (which has more meaning than simply this, as the final narration reveals). Finally, an almost unrecognisable Stanley Tucci portrays a kind of greasy menace with style and substance and has been deservedly nominated for an Oscar nomination for his work.

There are several minor changes to the book’s plot, most of which serve to smooth the course of a film adaptation: I doubt any audience would be comfortable with the idea of the now adult love interest having virtual sex with Susie many years after her murder. Moreover, several sequences, especially in the final act, are missing important scenes that help to develop the story to a satisfying emotional conclusion and these omissions and changes somewhat dull the story’s impact. The film is also overlong and could do with some trimming of the fat, especially in the aforementioned special effects scenes; these points, along with several poor stylistic choices from Jackson, somewhat spoil what is otherwise a very good movie. Nevertheless, the most important characteristic of such a film (and indeed any film) must be that it evokes feeling, which is something it manages to do, despite its varied flaws. Continuing the depressing theme that seems to be the fate of 2010 in film (see The Road), The Lovely Bones is nonetheless uplifting and well worth a viewing.
 

The King’s Jest

**** with an extra * for the startlingly well-endowed, freakishly talented comedy genius that is Rob Smith [is that nice enough Rob?]

First, a confession. I am going to be highly biased in this review (see above). The Tab’s own reviews editor was part of this fine array of comic excellence. So I can’t slag him off or he won’t virtually print this and I’ll be consigned to the bargain bin of the Cambridge newspaper world. Oh wait… fuck. More than that, he’s my friend (not in a gay way – believe me I’ve tried), so it’s through gritted teeth that I offer an uncharacteristically generous review.

The King’s Jest is fast becoming a staple of the Cambridge comedy scene to rival even the great Wolfson Howler. Apparently. I dunno, I’m not a proper reviewer, all I know was it made me laugh. A lot. Make sure you get there nice and early though, my companions and I were entirely too relaxed, until we reached the ominously locked doors of Kings that was. Luckily we managed to break in (why are colleges like prisons – are they trying to tell us something?) and after a mad dash down the lengthy queue, flashing angry looks at those who barred our way – press don’t you know, so you can fuck right off – Rob’s girlfriend and I took our seats minus half our party, somewhat dishevelled and totally stressed out.

Luckily, we had two hours of lovely lovely comedy to look forward to. The show itself was very good: it was quick-fire; it was beautifully varied in style and substance; there was a joke about Marx that was simple while still playing up to our vast intellects and dizzying wit. The range of eight warm-up acts were all excellent in radically different ways and made the most of their short stints to build to a crescendo of howls to rival the great Wolfson (see what I did there?). The material touched on class, politics, being northern, bukkake and computing frustration. There was even a female comedian that didn’t suck. My god.

Special mention, however, has to go to Pierre Novellie, who combined some genuinely excellent material with the laid back yet manically unfocused style of a Dylan Moran. Brilliant. Similarly excellent as per usual was Phil Wang. He’s a genius. Pure, semi-Asian genius. Plus he’s got a ukulele. Ukuleles are cool right? Cool. The job of compere is always hard and almost always fucked up (see any of the hosts of the BBC’s Live at the Apollo); but Wang was coolness and charm personified. Quite frankly, these two were capable of carrying the show on their own. Oh and gentlemen, there’s a particular other half of a particular Tab reviews editor willing to jump comedy ships if you’re interested?

The headliner was Liam Williams. Looking like a cross between a particularly antsy drug addict and Gary Oldman the early years, Williams was brilliant. He owned the stage with a sort of surprised insouciance that guaranteed laughs even before he opened his mouth. Particularly skilled at audience interaction and displaying an admirable ability to thread spur-of-the-moment jokes seamlessly in amongst rehearsed material, he was only slowed down by a lack of pianists. Come on guys, this is Cambridge, every other audience member was probably eighth grade, so next time take your testicles in both hands and go and play the fucking piano when a guy asks.

There were some bum notes in the show however. While each act managed to come up with at least one hearty guffaw, a few of the acts struggled for much more than this. Some of the material was simply too similar, playing up to North-South and the standard Cambridge stereotypes all too readily. For example, an act based around jokes about the North East came too close together with one lampooning Liverpool/Manchester.

Oh and how was Rob Smith you ask? Very good sadly, sandwiching jokes about the holocaust with his usual mix of self-depreciation and righteous anger. Here’s to hoping he gets off his skinny arse and puts those chicken arms to good use more often.

So to sum up, King’s Jest was pretty good. There’s apparently going to be a sketch version in a couple of weeks, which I would whole-heartedly recommend (although personally I think sketches are far harder to get right). I’m sure it’ll be a great night’s entertainment all round, apart from that cunt in glasses with the shit hair.
 

So it’s back to college, back to work, back to trying to ignore all the horrible things you should be doing. Like fellating a smurf. You know who you are. Anyway, new year, new term, new films. How exciting. After last year’s pile of shit – and having read a ton of end of year/decade reviews, it’s well past time for a look ahead to the blockbusters, indie smashes and softcore porn that we’ve got to look forward to in 2010.

Alice in Wonderland

Tim Burton’s latest project doesn’t look to have departed far from his usual strategy of pretty much filming whatever shit he dreamed about that morning. Note the presence of Helena Bonham Carter (his wife), Johnny Depp (his gay fantasies) and the aged up Alice (mid-life crisis=wish for younger poon). Except this time he’s adapting someone else’s weird thoughts. While the plot may have changed (Alice returns to Wonderland to save it from the Red Queen), Burton’s usual sumptuous visuals should ensure a film not to be missed. The cast looks magnificent as well; given Depp’s success with Captain Jack Sparrow, I’m expecting good things from the Mad Hatter.

Excitement factor: 4

The Karate Kid

A travesty to the very memory of Ralph Macchio. He’s dead right? Well Pat Morita certainly is and if he wasn’t already he’d probably have a stroke at the thought of rubber-faced, Buster Keaton-impersonating dickwad Jackie Chan taking over his role. The changes to this movie are so far-reaching as to make the use of the title misleading. One, it’s about Kung Fu not Karate. Two, it’s set in China. WTF? Three, the chivalrous aspect makes far less sense when the main character is 10/11. I know children mature younger nowadays and all that jazz but I find the “fighting the bullies to get the girl” romance plot a bit creepy. Also, isn’t it a bit strange to watch children this young kicking the crap out of each other? I mean the original film was pretty violent. They should have called it something else, the bastards. I dunno, just watch the crappy trailer. Check out the last sequence to see how much they fucked up one of the best moments in movie history.

“Travesty of such totally epic and genocidal proportions that Hitler, Stalin and Mao would club together as some kind of dictator super team to hunt down and kill anyone involved in its making” Factor: 5

Clash of the Titans.

Very excited about this. Mostly because of the tagline: “Titans will clash”. Surely any film with the balls to simply use its title in reverse order must be brilliant? Oh wait, no that’s criminally stupid. Another film with a stunning cast, check out the trailer to see how ridiculous Liam Neeson and Ralph Fiennes look; you thought Qui Gon Jin looked like a bearded wino tramp? This is much better. While I may have spent half the trailer laughing, I’m also a strange mix of a little boy who loves endless fight scenes; a Greek geek who wants to tut at how badly they fuck up the mythology and an old-fashioned romantic who enjoys Perseus’ quest to save the world and am therefore hugely looking forward to this. It’s also hilarious how much the Kraken looks like Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson in “The Scorpion King”.

Excitement factor: 5

Oh and coming in the summer we have the latest instalment of Robert Pattinson’s popular cheekbone serial, alternatively known as Twilight: Eclipse for all you Mormon vampire porn fans. Brilliant.

Dawn of the Dead

What a film. All you geeks furiously masturbating over Left4Dead2 or any of the million other zombie games should switch media. Because this is it: the daddy of the zombie genre. Basic premise: zombies, a mall, weird redneck biker gangs. Sounds a lot like Dead Rising doesn’t it? Except with a shed load more automatic gunfire. Fuck Romero’s so-called commentary on consumerism, decadence and all the other wanky bullshit your annoying social scientist “friend” will come up with after seeing it. This film is about zombies. Lots of zombies. And while it may be overlong, at least its’ put together with a bit of style. Unlike pretty much any other zombie movie. Also the fucking zombies can’t fucking run, unlike some fucking sell outs. Yeah that’s right I’m looking at you Danny Boyle. You cunt. Most importantly there are so many decayed sacks of shit walking around in this film you can pretend they’re all the people you hate in the world and then cheer when they die… or is that just me. Fuck.

Gore: 5
Entertainment value if you care about more than just gore: 3.5

The Evil Dead

Possibly the best film ever made. Definitely the best film made by Sam Raimi. It’s pretty easy to sum this one up: “Let’s spend a weekend in an isolated cabin; oh look a Book of the Dead, lets play a tape recording of its spells; oh shit I’m possessed and that forest looks awfully rapey”. This film is truly mental. When the main villains are essentially a bunch of trees and yet it’s still scary – you know you’re watching a proper horror movie. It also spawned two truly fantastic sequels, featuring even more mentalness – a chainsaw for a hand anyone? Also, although it’s by Sam Raimi, there are absolutely no crappy dance sequences. Nope, not one. So go on, treat yourself: spend an evening with Bruce Campbell’s massive chin and all the misogynistic fantasies you could hope to find in a single movie.
Gore: 5
Sheer bloody audacity: 4

A Nightmare on Elm Street

Finally we’re going to spend a little time with Wes Craven, the king of all things horror. While the Scream series will no doubt suit you bohemian arty types much better, being as you are massively into all things meta and in-jokey (shit it breaks the fourth wall, how amazing), Elm Street is where it started for all things Wes. Yes, I know that’s not true, it’s called artistic license you sanctimonious prick.  As we’ve so far catered almost exclusively to the boys and have been somewhat…*ahem* mean to Cambridge’s women, this film has a little something for you girls: Johnny Depp while he still looked like the nice boy next door. The film itself is about the fine line between dreams and reality and as such has a nice line in plot twists. It also conjures up a pretty damn scary atmosphere, instead of my other two choices, which rely far more heavily on gore to create their horror. Freddy Krueger may be the most ridiculous character ever (who the hell would want knives on their fingers, that’s asking for a severed penis) but the whole hunting teenagers in their dreams idea is pure horror genius. Oh and it’s got its very own Simpsons spoof, so go on you know you want to watch it.

Gore: 3
Spoofability: 5

Die Hard
First up the undisputed mac-daddy of action films: DIE HARD. How can you get better than this; it suggests hard death in the title! Now while the sequels have merit (if only in the WTF? inducing title of the fourth: Live Free and Die Hard), it is to the original we must turn in search of mind-blowing action. Bruce Willis still has hair, Alan Rickman has never seen a wand, and the villains are all German; it ticks all the boxes. Furthermore, it contains quite simply the best line ever spoken in movie or possibly world history: “Yippee-ki-yay motherfucker!” Now while the producers pussied out and covered the offending last word with gunfire in the latest instalment, it is present in all three other films. Amusingly, it translates as “Here eat this” in Urdu. Deep. Right I realise I haven’t said a single thing about the actual movie but there is method in my madness because a) most of you will have seen it, it’s fucking great and if you haven’t you can’t possibly be worth reaching out to you pinko-liberal communist bastard and b) if you hadn’t seen it you’ll have rushed out to buy it when you heard the title. Either that or you’re still laughing at Snakes on a Plane.
Awesomeness: 5
Violence: 4

Tango and Cash
I could have put pretty much any Sylvester Stallone film here (including his early porn offerings), they’re all terrible. However I’ve gone for Tango and Cash as it fills the need within all men for a slightly homoerotic buddy movie. Basically two cops (with totally contrasting styles, Starsky and Hutch anyone?) are causing too many problems for a drug lord, who goes to the trouble of framing them for murder, instead of simply killing them. All kinds of comedy action and sister-fucking occurs as they escape and seek revenge. It’s terrible. Please don’t watch it. Seriously, it’s got Kurt Russell. He puts a grenade down a guy’s pants, kicks him down some stairs and then quips. Oh god.
Awesomeness: 0
Violence: 3

Commando
It’s ARNIE TIME! While that isn’t a line from the actual film, it may as well be, seeing as that basically sums up the plot. Commando is so set on killing off more evildoers than there are people that vote BNP that the tender relationship between John Matrix (why do action film writers think maths/computer jargon makes for good character names) and his daughter is established primarily through a rather brief montage. This is good, however, as it allows more time for over a hundred deaths and most importantly, for the trademark Arnie one-liner, including gems such as: “Don’t disturb my friend: he’s dead-tired” and “Let off some steam Bennett!” after impaling a guy with a steaming pipe. I swear that man has his own personal line-writer for all of his films. The film also includes air hostesses comically firing rocket launchers backwards, destroying more real estate than there is in all of the fake country that some idiot wants Matrix to assassinate the leader of…blah blah standard crap plot blah. The plot really is truly awful. At one point Arnie needs weaponry and happens to stumble upon a surplus store with more ex-US Army weaponry than there is in Guantanamo Bay. Later on he uses the contents of a garden shed to take out some heavily armed goons. Probably the best thing about Commando is the fact that Arnie doesn’t even aim half the time, never ducks or takes cover and yet still kills about a hundred people without taking a single hit, how badass can you get?

Awesomeness: 3
Violence: 5

That’s your fill of man-on-man action for this week (at least for some of you), check back next week (just after Halloween, oh well maybe next year) for the good-old fashioned horror film.

To read Part One in our Man Movie odyssey, written by our very own Reviews Editor Rob Smith, click here.