ALASDAIR PAL: “If only there were a way to turn John Hurt off”.

ALASDAIR PAL: “Chalk this one up as a victory for tools and teenagers everywhere.”

ALASDAIR PAL: ‘“IT’S DIZZEE FUCKING RASCAL!”…Except it isn’t…Chase and Status grin behind their samplers like a pair of pasty bookends.”

We promised you the full files, and now, The Tab presents some of the strangest deanings Cambridge has ever seen: including hamsters, police dogs, a casino and plenty of vomit.

How transparent is college and University discipline? Not very, as it turns out. In the first of a two-part series, we explore how the system works, and how YOU have been dealt with.

ALASDAIR PAL enjoys the vajazzle, vodka, and voluminous breasts – but, in reality, the scripted dialogue of The Only Way Is Essex leaves much to be desired.

We’ve done over The Sun and the BNP, but ALASDAIR PAL’s TCS gem from February has never been revealed. Until now…

A Tab survey of this year’s freshers has uncovered a number of surprising findings…

6/9: ALASDAIR PAL and LOTTIE UNWIN investigate just why every Indian wants their picture with them

ALASDAIR PAL: ‘Newnham got the Big Decisions right: a well-executed theme over a big headline act; plentiful drink over quality and outrageous queues; and the ability to get a square foot of henna inked across your face.’